hard holidays

when you think of the word “holidays”, what other words align w/ it for you?

for me:
tradition
nostalgia
music
church
snow
colorado
christmas lights
disney
family

all of those words have my dad in them.

& w/ this 1st holiday season w/o him, it’s a bittersweet one.

we are happy he’s no longer in pain.
we’re joyful to have another baby added to our family.
we are thankful for health.
we’re grateful for the blessings.

but we’re sad he’s not here to share them.

we miss him.
a lot.
we hate that he’s not here to meet the new baby.
we’re sad he’s not here to make new memories w/ us.

we’ve done a lot of christmastime activities already…

a christmas concert starring one of my best friends in voctave…
he would have absolutely loved watching & listening to the orchestra & the very impressive vocals…
he would have been beaming w/ pride for ej & the rest of the group.

but our 1st tradition of the season we did yesterday:
candlelight processional at epcot.
& that was tough.

we went last year together.
we pushed him around in his wheel chair & lulu in her stroller…
side by side.
they held hands all around the world.

he fed her while we listened to the narrator tell the christmas story…
even tho he was in so much pain.

even tho he knew it would have been easier to stay home on his couch or in his bed…
it was important to have this tradition & make it happen.

it breaks my heart knowing now – but not knowing then – that it would be our last one w/ him.
at that point, we would have less than a month here w/ him.

epcot yesterday was fun.
the weather was perfect up until candlelight, actually.

low 70’s.
overcast.
not too humid.

& then it started raining during candlelight & we actually had to leave a few songs before it ended.
we were bummed we couldn’t stay for the hallelujah chorus…
but we heard “rejoice w/ exceeding great joy“…
one of his favorites.

& while only jonny was familiar w/ the celebrity narrator, daddy would have been so excited to see them too:
the famous baseball player, cal ripken jr.

it was emotional to hear the choir filled stage sing songs he used to play & conduct at church…
or even accompany when us, as his daughters, would sing.

it’s tough.
we knew it would be.

so if anything this weekend…
please take out that if you’re feeling sad this holiday season…
if you’re feeling bittersweet bc there is something or someone missing this holiday season…
if you’re not even really feeling “in the spirit”…
you’re not alone.

do things that will make you healthy & happy.

are you one to start a new tradition?
make something part of this seasons “to do” list?

i’m not sure if it will become a new tradition…
but instead of having christmas morning at my parents house…
it’ll be at mine.

all the same foods will be made & cooked.
but it’s just a change of scenery that’s necessary this year.

yes it’s hard to imagine him not here for christmas morning…
watching lulu open her gifts or andee playing on her activity mat…
or him taking FOREVER to open 1 damn gift bc he just liked to drive us crazy by taking his sweet ass time in ripping the wrapping paper…

but it’s even harder to see his “spot” on the couch not being occupied by him.
or look at the piano & not see or hear him playing “too loud” (according to my mom).

we cherish the memories.

i hope you do the same.
we never know when they’re the last ones being made.

find the good.
find the joy.
& be present.

happy holidays & merry christmas.