hard holidays

when you think of the word “holidays”, what other words align w/ it for you?

for me:
tradition
nostalgia
music
church
snow
colorado
christmas lights
disney
family

all of those words have my dad in them.

& w/ this 1st holiday season w/o him, it’s a bittersweet one.

we are happy he’s no longer in pain.
we’re joyful to have another baby added to our family.
we are thankful for health.
we’re grateful for the blessings.

but we’re sad he’s not here to share them.

we miss him.
a lot.
we hate that he’s not here to meet the new baby.
we’re sad he’s not here to make new memories w/ us.

we’ve done a lot of christmastime activities already…

a christmas concert starring one of my best friends in voctave…
he would have absolutely loved watching & listening to the orchestra & the very impressive vocals…
he would have been beaming w/ pride for ej & the rest of the group.

but our 1st tradition of the season we did yesterday:
candlelight processional at epcot.
& that was tough.

we went last year together.
we pushed him around in his wheel chair & lulu in her stroller…
side by side.
they held hands all around the world.

he fed her while we listened to the narrator tell the christmas story…
even tho he was in so much pain.

even tho he knew it would have been easier to stay home on his couch or in his bed…
it was important to have this tradition & make it happen.

it breaks my heart knowing now – but not knowing then – that it would be our last one w/ him.
at that point, we would have less than a month here w/ him.

epcot yesterday was fun.
the weather was perfect up until candlelight, actually.

low 70’s.
overcast.
not too humid.

& then it started raining during candlelight & we actually had to leave a few songs before it ended.
we were bummed we couldn’t stay for the hallelujah chorus…
but we heard “rejoice w/ exceeding great joy“…
one of his favorites.

& while only jonny was familiar w/ the celebrity narrator, daddy would have been so excited to see them too:
the famous baseball player, cal ripken jr.

it was emotional to hear the choir filled stage sing songs he used to play & conduct at church…
or even accompany when us, as his daughters, would sing.

it’s tough.
we knew it would be.

so if anything this weekend…
please take out that if you’re feeling sad this holiday season…
if you’re feeling bittersweet bc there is something or someone missing this holiday season…
if you’re not even really feeling “in the spirit”…
you’re not alone.

do things that will make you healthy & happy.

are you one to start a new tradition?
make something part of this seasons “to do” list?

i’m not sure if it will become a new tradition…
but instead of having christmas morning at my parents house…
it’ll be at mine.

all the same foods will be made & cooked.
but it’s just a change of scenery that’s necessary this year.

yes it’s hard to imagine him not here for christmas morning…
watching lulu open her gifts or andee playing on her activity mat…
or him taking FOREVER to open 1 damn gift bc he just liked to drive us crazy by taking his sweet ass time in ripping the wrapping paper…

but it’s even harder to see his “spot” on the couch not being occupied by him.
or look at the piano & not see or hear him playing “too loud” (according to my mom).

we cherish the memories.

i hope you do the same.
we never know when they’re the last ones being made.

find the good.
find the joy.
& be present.

happy holidays & merry christmas.

more room

i feel like i always start my blogs w/ “it’s been awhile”…
but it has.
it’s been like…
more than a month.

which… btw…
is INSANE.
andee’s going to be 8 weeks tomorrow & i don’t know what to think about it.

that’s kinda where i’m going w/ this post this week…
i don’t know what to think about a lot of things so here are some updates!

i’m back w/ the band & that’s been wonderful.
i get my “me” time in the car.
most of the time it’s in silence or if i remember…
it’s listening to MFM…
sometimes tho… i’m so spaced out i don’t even realize spotify is still playing the lion king soundtrack. HAHA.

thanksgiving was really good…
mom hosted.
it was myself, jonny, the girls & my parents’ best friends holly & grangie.
it was super chill & the girls actually napped while we ate.
what a miracle.

slowly but surely, i’m getting back into my groove of my business, going to the gym, keeping up w/ laundry [omg it never stopssssss] & trying to stay in touch w/ my ppl.

& that’s a segway to the next thought lately…
my ppl.
gosh i miss them.
i like… mourn the time we could just do an impromptu happy hour or night out…
or when i could go to local theater whenever someone else wanted to go so we’d both have someone to go w/…

now?
everything has to be planned out like…
4 months in advance.
last month, i booked my birthday [may] so i could have “my ppl” there.

that’s SIX months in advance.

& while i love this chapter of my life…
it’s making me wonder about so many things!

i feel change again.
& the last time i felt this…
i was pregnant for the 1st time w/o knowing it yet.

i feel like work is going to make a move.
it’s either my work or jonny’s work.
& our latest saying to each other is that “we’re in the chapter of upgrades”.

upgrading our life in the ways we can & should.

we were sharing 1 car for 2 months.
we saved & got a hybrid minivan.

we had been using jonny’s portable washing machine since we moved in together 5 years ago, along w/ a 1990’s dryer.
we saved & got a brand new set that can actually wash a REAL “large” load.

we had been watching TV w/ 1/2 of the bulbs out on 1 side to the point we couldn’t read the “menu” on any streaming service.
we saved & got a new one that we can see perfectly clear on.

& other things like…
getting organizers for our closet to make use of empty space…
organizing the garage & donating a bunch of good stuff to those who can use it better than we can…

we’ve been working really hard.
& i think the “playing catch-up” from the pandemic is finally going away.

& that’s a huge relief.
a weight, if i may say.

i’m thankful.

but the weight i’m feeling now is that change is coming & i don’t know what it is.
i pray it’s another upgrade that we need or desire.
or if it’s not…
i pray & manifest that it’s a good one.
there’s more room for more room.
there’s more room for change & upgrade.

i am seeing so many ppl in my life doing the damn thing.
they’re truly thriving & i am SO happy for them…
friends starting companies…
friends traveling again for work…
friends having more babies…
friends killing it on reality TV talent shows…
friends performing all over the place for the holidays…
friends quitting the work they’re miserable at…
friends retiring…
friends negotiating better pay…
friends buying new pets…

i love seeing it all!

but it keeps me thinking…

most of the time i do most of my best thinking while trying to fall asleep.
anyone else??
which is SO convenient when also stressing about how i should be asleep instead of having my mind go a million miles a minute.

there have been times where i’ve gotten out of bed…
or just not gone to bed w/ jonny bc i needed to write.
but lately…
sleep is the priority.

speaking of sleep…
here’s a great “rejoice”!…
andee is now sleeping through the night & if she’s not…
she’s self soothing & putting herself back to sleep.
we’re so thankful she’s sleeping as good as her sister does!
[ps – mama’s… if you want our method… holler]

bc of this…
& bc i’m back w/ the band…
she’s also in her crib.

i’m not as sad as i was w/ lulu when we put her in her crib.
she was about 8 weeks too…

this time i’m just so proud.
i’m proud of my girls but i’m proud of us.
parenting is hard.
parenting is hard.
& parenting is hard.

& then you add relationships to the mix.
your marriage.
your family.
your loss of family.
your friends.
your work.
yourself.

it’s a crazy ride.

blessed to have those in my life who have stayed & continue to while changes keep coming & will continue to.

one of those lives in mine is one of my best friends; kristine zwick of curated dry goods.
you’ve seen me talk about her before.
you’ve also seen me talk about her artwork before [lulu’s nursery, my baby shower invites, fashion shirts/bags/handkerchiefs, etc)
well she shared her heart & art w/ us again…
anderlee’s nursery.

it’s stunning.
after 3 mock ups, we solidified colors & florals.
& she completed this… start to finish in 1 day.
INSANE.
her talent & heart are incomparable.
we’re so thankful.
we’re so impressed.

but not only is she talented…
she’s raw, transparent & open to sharing her process which i have always found refreshing, relieving & entertaining.
art comes from somewhere inside the person making it.
it’s thought out.
it’s felt out.
kristine has so much wisdom from her experience in the art & fashion world & she’s sharing it w/ the world!
you can watch her magic here, every week.

[parent tip from jonny’s mom: box fan for cancelling out house noise!]

I hope you each take out a little something from this.
if you’re also feeling change. channel it.
if you’re feeling motivated. go w/ it.
if you’re feeling intimidated. don’t believe it.
if you’re feeling sad. feel that but don’t stay there.

love you. mean it.