so i’m new at this. “this” being the whole blog thing.
can this be like xanga was in middle school?
but real talk: i’m not an expert at any of this… writing, punctuation, technology, finding the best “blog look” for whatever this is or will possibly turn into.
i had many professors in college who would mark my papers with all the red pen they could muster.
howeverrrrrr… i DID have a professor (thank you for humanities classes in my journalism focus) who loved my writing because it was conversational. aka – i write how i talk. ta daaaa. so fancy, ya’ll.
i’ll also preface this: i’m definitely not an expert on any of the things i’ll talk about here. i’m here to chit chat about what i know based on my experience. i feel like it’s dumb to have to say that but good lord, we know how people can attack others via social media because they just need to prove they’re right & you’re wrong.
am i here to learn?
YEP.
do i want to hear about your experiences?
YEP.
am i here to be bullied?
NOPE.
& that’s all i’ll say about that!… 🙂
storytime:
(i mean that’s what blogs are for, right?)
also… warning boys: i’m about to talk about girlie things…
my periods have never been regular. i grew up taking dance classes 5 nights a week as a teenager, so everyone figured it was because i was active.
fast forward to adulthood. i literally went on the pill to regulate them when i was 21. after getting off of it the first time around, they still were never regular. (i also never got pregnant during the 4 years i was married to my ex – thank GOD).
i tried the pill again at 26. i just wanted my body to be “normal”. i wanted to know when it was coming. the guessing game of the “when is it going to happen?” & “how long will it last?” was so freaking annoying.
when my husband & i got engaged in december 2017, i decided i was going to get off the pill a couple months before our july 2018 wedding so my body could try to regulate itself. knowing i never got pregnant while off it before, i assumed it may be a difficult thing to eventually accomplish (i had NO idea).
by september, i had gained a shit ton of weight (yes, i wasn’t on my “bride bod” diet, but 15 lbs in 2 months, c’mon), my periods were still not regular, & i was just blah. my regular appt w/ my OB was that month & we chatted about options.
go back on the pill?
see a hormone specialist?
take any other meds to help me get pregnant?
we weren’t in a rush to get pregnant, but i wanted to know why my womanly insides weren’t cooperating. i scheduled an appt w/ the endocrinologist she referred me to. & holyyyyy crapppppp.
my. life. was. CHANGED.
i was officially diagnosed with PCOS.
polycystic ovarian syndrome.
(you can read a generic webmd description of what it is here.)
so, instead of a “hey i get paid to prescribe you meds so take them” approach, my doc encouraged me to change my diet & routine of exercise.
ok – let me just briefly tell you what i do for a living:
i am a full time performer.
i sing & dance for a living.
therefore – i’ve been hired & have continued to keep my jobs based on, yes my skill, but also my appearance.
i have to stay in shape.
i have to keep my ass in check (literally).
so when she suggested i work out more than i already was, i was like “ummm what”. but i was willing to try.
& when she suggested i change my diet, i already assumed i was eating as healthily as i could? i feel like i’ve literally been “dieting” since i was 16 yrs old (what a shame, i know).
to amazon & pinterest i go.
i read the books.
i researched the recipes.
i signed up for the pcos support group newsletters & fb groups.
i cut gluten, soy, dairy, & processed sugar completely out of my diet & started working out 2-4x a week on november 1st.
it was fucking hard.
i dropped 28 lbs by my next appt in february.
is that a shocker? – hell to the yes! but it’s not about weight…
my levels had COMPLETELY leveled out to “normal”!
what?!
wizards magic!
food controls THAT MUCH?!
YEP. (we’ll save that lesson i learned – & continue learning – for another post, i’m sure).
my doc literally said: “if i looked at your chart & didn’t know your history, i would have never diagnosed you w/ PCOS”. INSANE.
i was in the best shape.
i felt STRONG.
i had this new confidence that i truly felt came from the inside out.
i had insane amounts of energy.
not only that, i had 4 months in a row of a regular period! crazy talk!
fast forward to july 4th…
peed on a stick. & then another.
DUAL POSITIVES!
we cried.
it was adorable & just so unbelievable!
this hard work paid off?!?!
made the doc appt.
had the sonogram.
saw the heartbeat.
6 weeks!
at 10 weeks, i was referred to high risk… because i’m over 30 (JUST SO OLD).
- we did genetic testing.
negative. - we did gender testing.
we were having a BOY! - we did the elective non-invasive chromosomal testing.
abnormalities.
ok… we were a little concerned, but not entirely yet.
1 week later…
- we did invasive chromosomal testing.
positive for trisomy 18.
needless to say, we were devastated.
you know when something tragic happens & you’ll never forget what you were doing, where you were, or who you were with?
i’ll never forget getting that phone call from the nurse as my sister & i laid by the pool, right off the beach of a 5 star resort while i was on a work trip. the sun had felt so good, having her there to relax between hosting sessions was so nice, & having our own section made us feel so spoiled.
i immediately started hyperventilating. i couldn’t breathe.
our worst case scenario was our truth.
the sun felt violating, there was no relaxing anymore, & having our own section didn’t matter as i went straight back to our room to breakdown.
i couldn’t wait to be home & be with jonny.
fast forward to 13 weeks.
we started seeing the side effects that come with t18; one of which was the internal organs forming & growing on the outside of baby boys body. the sonograms that are supposed to be so exciting & something we look forward to as new parents were becoming scary & very sad. this “just by chance” disorder is very dangerous to the baby as well as potentially for the mother as the baby continues to grow. we had decisions to make.
at this point, we hadn’t told anyone but family & close friends we were pregnant. we were going to announce & share our photoshoot photos at 15 weeks. we felt alone. it was as if a dementor sucked the joy out of us that we had been holding onto for months… a joy that i had been waiting to experience for years in. hadn’t i already had enough searching of the “why is this happening to me” & “what was wrong with me”?
14 weeks & 3 days, on august 29, we lost our baby boy.
i was heart broken.
we were heart broken.
it was the worst pain i had ever been in… physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally… it’s unexplainable.
i never want to go through that again.
i don’t know what i’d do if i did.
i couldn’t.
after surgery (that’s another storytime), we learned we lost jonny’s aunt that same morning.
we’d like to think that she was getting to heaven in time to guide our little boy in.
florida was expecting a hurricane, so we decided to drive up to illinois to celebrate his aunt’s life as well as mourn the loss of our 1st baby. with 2 weeks of recovery in my future, i couldn’t work & perform anyway. it was perfect timing to be with family.
we finally told our world what we were going through.
the support was incredible & somewhat surprising. i wasn’t necessarily surprised by the love & support we received, but i was very surprised by the stories those shared with me whether public or privately (which is one of my motivations to start this blog).
i love writing. i’ve been told some like reading what i write. but for the most part, i take a shit ton of photos & write long winded captions because i just like to record everything & all things. & also because i have the worst memory ever.
this blog will share a little bit of my story, journey, life, struggles, diet changes, travel, experiences… whatever you want to call it…
sooooo whoever is reading this, thank you! i hope i can help you, someone you care about, or just be some type of entertaining thing for you to read that’s not political (that’s kind of a joke, but not really).
i’m going to try to have something new to share every tuesday?
& you can “take out” whatever you want out of it. 🙂
Take Out with TK 