this week, last year, was one of the hardest weeks i’ve ever experienced… that WE have ever experienced.
our baby boys results came back positive for trisomy 18. we had the non-invasive testing done the previous week after our chromosomal blood work came back abnormal. since the non-invasive test came back positive, we wanted to be sure the unimaginable was the factual truth & there wasn’t a false positive.
i had worked so hard w/ my PCOS. i was in denial that what was happening was actually happening. + i wanted these tests to prove 110% that our son was truly positive before we had to make the hardest decision of our lives, thus far.
i did the invasive procedure. the ultrasound that lasted about 2 hrs while they tried to get the sample they needed, (which was of course, difficult) showed him w/ his organs developing outside of his body. i watched him the entire time. it was devastating. my mom was there for rational support. jonny was there holding my hand & drying my tears.
the tests came back positive again. we officially had triple positives that trisomy 18 was evident.
with my life at risk due to many complications already happening inside, aside from what we could physically see during the ultrasounds, we were urged to schedule our procedure within 3 days. i never thought i’d have a decision like this to make.
the guilt & “what if” still floods my head & heart. i don’t believe that will ever go away. i believe in miracles. i believe God can do anything. i also believe He’s given us the the knowledge & science to make decisions based on wisdom we’ve received & acquired. …& i’ll leave my political, morale opinion there.
while it may take a village to raise a child, it felt like it took one to pick us up from losing one.
& i bring all this up because of how grateful i am. how grateful i am about where we’ve been… from where my body started. from where my hormones started. from what my body was capable of. from what my body handled. from what our relationship conquered. from what our family & friends selflessly contributed. from what has developed here… on social media…
whether you know me or don’t… whether you’ve been following our story since the beginning or just catching up… whether our story relates to you or not… whether we’re fb friends, insta followers or blog correspondents… this community has formed around us because of our story… & i’m taken aback not just by the support we’ve experienced but also how many have shared & confided in me that they’ve gone through something similar… it blows my mind that this pain is something SO many of my friends have experienced. but how inspiring you all are. you inspired me to do this… to write… to share… thank you for this community. thank you for being in mine… in ours.
i’m also grateful for where i’m going… from what my body proved itself could do again. from what God promised after our storm.
we have so much to celebrate! & it’s ok to feel guilty sometimes. & it’s ok to not. we have to dance in the rain. the sunshine eventually comes & dries us back up to normalcy but while it’s hidden, we have to lift our heads up & let it just fall flat on our faces. extreme experiences make us feel human, right?
i’m sure you can remember a time where you didn’t feel like you’d see the light at the end of the tunnel. or you were told something was not likely to happen. or you were faced with a life chapter you never saw coming & couldn’t predict what would happen regardless of what decision you made.
but here we are… living & breathing testimonies that all things are temporary, life moves on when you’re ready for it to, & you can survive – physically, emotionally & mentally – a lot more than you ever imagined or expected to.
this week is a time of reflection, for sure. a time to celebrate our perfect baby boy in heaven & our perfect baby girl in my belly.
& with that said… i wanted to share some more photos from our rainbow announcement shoot. Wings of Glory Photography has captured a few life chapters of ours, starting with our wedding. Thankful for Nikki & her crew for capturing our vision again. (also thankful for JoAnn Fabrics for always having ALL of the tulle… keeping this to make ALL of the tutu’s. 🙂 )
as you can see theodore needed a lot of attention. what you can’t see is him trying to eat the sonogram. lol… he’ll have a hard time sharing the love come january, but we’re confident he’ll be the best big furbrother there is. 🙂
i hope you find some hope in our story & take out whatever you need. if you need some positive words & reassurance, let me know. i’m here for ya. if you want to share your story, i’d love to hear it. if you just want to vent & complain, ya’ll… i’m here for that too. 🙂
if you come home from the gym at 7am with 2, 1 gallon jars of dill pickles after stopping at publix & your husband says, “take a test”, just do it.
while that IS literally why i agreed to take the test, in all seriousness, we are over the moon. ecstatic. shocked. thankful. nervous. excited. intimidated. stoked. humbled. overjoyed.
story time. after my appointment w/ my endocrinologist in april, i had some more blood tests done. they all came back normal again! PLUS my periods had been normal since january. we were ready to try & make a baby again!
& that next month… a day after my birthday… on mothers day weekend… we did. 🙂 *i am already crying while writing this so clearly this is going to go well…*
i took a test on memorial day after my husband just said “just go ahead & take it.”
now… women who have taken pregnancy tests before… when you’ve wanted it to be positive – you battle w/ taking it, amiright? “what if it’s not positive? can i deal w/ the disappointment today? i don’t want to start/end my day like this…” “what if it IS positive? will it be a false positive? will i be ready to deal w/ that if that’s the case?”
& like i said above… it was literally 7 o’clock in the morning.
i had been feeling really tired, but i assumed that was because i was just not used to doing anything lately & ANYTHING that REMOTELY used ANY type of energy, felt forced. i mean – we had been in quarantine for 3 months at this point & everything took extra effort thanks to eating, drinking & sleeping our days away. (please say you can relate…lol)
anyway… i told jonny that i was only 3 days late & i should wait a couple more days to see if my period actually came. (i had been a few days late in april, so that wasn’t throwing me off or making me suspicious…) however… the man insisted.
fine. i’ll take it.
& i was thinking to myself: “it’s not like i have anything to do today where i can’t just cry, so what’s there to lose besides a $10 pregnancy stick?”
i go into the master bathroom & jonny lays on the bed w/ theodore (our 80 lb, 1.5 yr old, goldendoodle). i pee on the damn thing. (also… at this point… i’m annoyed that he won this argument of taking it/not taking it… i know… i know… i’m dumb.)
i wait. it’s silent.
i slide the barn door open to the master bedroom & just stare at him.
i couldn’t believe it. HE WAS RIGHT. not only was he right… WE WERE PREGNANT! PEE TO POSITIVE!
he knew from the look on my face & my lack of communication that i was speechless. we immediately broke down to tears. we just cried.
& i was so… calm.
i would have definitely thought i would have been freaking out, thinking it was a false positive & a mistake, or just been doubtful of the whole idea of this happening again.
but i wasn’t. i had this inner peace i can’t explain. i was ready. i knew it was real. & i was ready to be tough again & face whatever was in our near future.
without even a 2nd thought, we wanted to tell our immediate family that day. we had tried to make it a grand production of things last year… taking them out to dinner, printing funny & clever cards, recording our facetimes, etc. this time, it was going to be plain, simple, full of facts & lots of tears.
with my parents being the only ones we were seeing during quarantine, we already had plans to do a memorial day cookout that evening.
i took the stick w/ us… we played michael bolton’s “love is a wonderful thing” (my mom & i listened to his “time, love & tenderness” album on repeat when i was a kid) on a bluetooth speaker as we danced in with all our bags… then… i slapped that sucker right on the kitchen bar top.
my mom looked at it… jumped back… grasped her hands around her mouth & broke into tears while continuing to say “really??! really?!?!” my dad – not noticing the stick yet – asked “whats going on?” when mom & i started crying. i held it up to him & he started tearing up & saying “oh wow…” & then he quickly said “well i know how to do this…” (relating to the fact that he had raised 2 girls of his own) haha… so cute.
jonny & i were a mess… again.
we hugged. we cried. we cooked out.
(that little furnugget is my first furbaby, Koda!)
we facetimed his parents that evening & his dad was already in bed. we told his mom to get him up… that this phone call was worth it! they screeeeamed. it was adorable & so great!
over the next few hours & days, we got a hold of our siblings & told them the great news too! everyone was so excited!
it was surreal.
i knew i was going back to work that next week, so i braced myself for my acting skills: “ok – play it cool. just talk about how drunk you were in quarantine.” (which technically wasn’t a lie either).
i scheduled my first doctors appt as soon as i could after the holiday weekend. it was set for my 8 week mark – setting up that i was around 5.
i had to wait THREE WEEKS?! THAT’S FOREVER. (especially because when i got pregnant last year, i saw my doc within 2 days!)
but we patiently waited for that beautiful chance to see our baby… to see his or her heartbeat we had been praying would happen again.
(readyyyyyy. also side note: never wearing sandals to the doc again. i was fucking freezing.)(there they were! just an 8 week old alien thing!)
it was surreal. it still is!
but now the not-so-fun stuff had to happen. all the blood tests. genetic. sex. & the test that came back abnormal for us last year: the chromosomal disorder tests.
i made my appointments & around my 10 week mark, went in to get all the tests done.
my anxiety was setting in. the feelings i felt receiving the news we did last year, was setting in. the uncertainty of the uncertain was setting in. i started stressing.
after my last appointment, i got in my car & bawled. i called jonny. he was amazing & reassured me in all the ways only he could know how. we prayed. i wiped my tears. took deep breaths & drove to work.
i knew that regardless of what my results were, i was still pregnant. i was still carrying a miracle. that gave me peace.
that inner peace set in again.
it was going to be at least 7-10 business days until my results came in.
i was starting to get nervous by day 9 after not hearing anything. but as my mom says: “no news is good news.”
& she was right.
friday, july 17th @ 2:08pm, i received a text from my OB directly…
OB:hi!! i just read your results! would you like to know what you’re having?!?! me: omg my heart just stopped. i’m a nervous mess. & yes! OB: no need to be!!
me: INSTANT BAWLING & HYPERVENTILATING & DROPPING TO THE FLOOR. OB: your results are all completely negative! you’re in the safe! AND you’re having… A GIRL!!! me: MORE INSTANT TEARS & EMOTIONS
i thanked her over & over again. she could have waited until after the weekend to have her office call me on monday, but she knew my heart & my anxiousness after our past experience. it was such a blessing.
PLUS, i was w/ jonny AND my parents again for the afternoon!! it was an unforgettable moment that i’m literally, physically crying about all over again, right this second. lol. (writing sure is therapeutic)
we facetimed his parents, our siblings & the close friends we had told thus far. we cried again all afternoon & night.
SHE WAS HEALTHY. OUR LITTLE MIRACLE CREATION WAS HEALTHY. GOD IS SO GOOD.
while we had a terrible experience at our 1st high risk appt due to my severe PTSD of last years 13 week ultrasound, i want to end this post on a high note.
we heard her heartbeat at 12 weeks. it’s strong & steady.
we saw her again at 13 weeks. she’s active, turning her back to the camera & can’t be bothered w/ ultrasound photoshoots & sonogram paparazzi, whatsoever. but she IS doing headstands… so impressive.
i’m definitely feeling her grow as she expands all of my insides. a bump has officially formed & it no longer looks like i ate all-you-can-eat pasta bowls & bread sticks at olive garden. (& ummmm that sounds delicious)
this was almost 2 weeks ago:
we’re so thankful.
& if you did the math (if you didn’t, i don’t blame you… math is hard), you’ll find out that yes… i was pregnant when i started this blog at the end of june. but i started it not knowing if i would stay pregnant. i wanted a place to keep myself accountable & in the current feelings i was having… a place of reflection w/ a sharing opportunity.
i reflect everyday & i’m just shocked that this is really happening. & it’s continuing to happen.
THIS is a different pregnancy than last year. THIS is a different time than last year. THIS is a different baby than last year. THIS is our rainbow.
our next appt is next monday & i switched high risk doctors so i won’t see them until the beginning of next month.
i hope you can “take out” something from this… that you found some hope in this post… whether you’re trying to conceive or you’re just going through other personal shitty times. with covid-19, blm protests, idiotic political campaigns, unemployment at a peak & worldly travel bans… “shitty times” are everywhere & being experienced by everyone…
but i hope you find something to smile about… to count a blessing for – even if it’s just 1.
a day at a time is how i get by. & knowing that everything is temporary. (that thought is also how i think i’ll get through labor??) but it’s also how i get through anything terrible & hard.
you’ll have a rainbow too & the gold at the end of it. it’s the promise we all have. there’s always one after the storm.
(photo proof from our announcement shoot by Wings of Glory Photography… more coming next week!)
quarantine has been the best time to scroll, huh? sitting there on your phone while periodically looking up at the episode of boy meets world you have on.
maybe you’re scrolling through instagram stories to see what filter everyone is using to make themselves feel more put together. or maybe it’s just more delgona coffee photos. but regardless – you HAVE TO save those filters.
maybe you’re scrolling through pinterest to try to find a recipe that you, yourself, can post on your insta story to show everyone that you too can make yummy stuff.
maybe you’re scrolling facebook to see what out of town relatives are up to… or better yet – the people you don’t really feel like talking to because they’ll make you feel inadequate because you’re not also living in a 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom, 2 story, brick home in mountain town suburbia with 3 adorable children.
maybe when your facebook memories pop up in the morning, you scroll through them feeling nostalgic but also jealous of your “then-self” because in that moment, 3 years ago, you were in vegas with your best friends & now you’re thinking “wow, & i thought i was fat THEN…”.
@skybanyes
or maybe it’s not as surfaced…
maybe you’re scrolling & seeing those you love posting photos of their baby announcements after you’ve been trying for years…
or that friends of yours bought a home while you’re living off the money you saved for your honeymoon you had to cancel because this pandemic has taken your job(s) & for whatever reason, you weren’t eligible for unemployment or the pandemic assistance program.
or for goodness sake… after scrolling, you see someone ACTUALLY got to go on a vacation during this mess, while you’re stuck at home because the state you live in has some of the most cases of this virus… out the entire freeeeeaking country.
am i having a pity party right now?! i don’t know, but writing this is therapeutic because it’s making me realize – THIS HAPPENS EVERYDAY (regardless of pandemic).
we scroll. we compare. & that doesn’t do us any good.
i know many friends that deleted their social media apps… not their accounts, but they got rid of the apps so they weren’t tempted to just pick up the phone & immediately open their fb or insta… knowing that they could waste 15-30 minutes just sitting there scrolling for no reason other than boredom or curiosity. sooooo if they wanted to visit their accounts & check something out, it’d have to be intentional.
visit the website. sign in. do what you intended to do… & then sign…OFF…
remember when the norm was to compare ourselves to celebrities by watching a music video or just by passing the cover of US Weekly?
now? we have instant life, image, career, hobby, success, beauty, cooking, & child comparisons. literally! every second of every day, we have comparisons ready to be analyzed at our finger tips.
it’s exhausting.
how do you cope? are you one to delete the apps? or maybe you’re not tempted. or maybe you discontinued them all together…
personally, i’ve compared my body & life to everyone i personally know for as long as i can remember. as if i’m in a silent competition. & it’s ruined friendships. on MY account. i’ve literally had to stop hanging out with certain friends because the way they live their life makes me feel discouraged or inadequate about mine. how pathetic is that?
this quarantine, i really tried to focus on my mental health along with my physical. yes, i exercised… but i started writing. & started counting my blessings. which led me to this little ol blog. & i am hoping it’s a positive change… & a positive influence. 🙂
@ntj_design
do i still scroll? do i still compare? sure. but not as much.
i encourage you in this time of uncertainty… find something to do that brings you joy. find something to do that benefits your well being. find something to do that you’ve been putting off even though you know you need it.
as my mom says: “find your happy.”
maybe that hobby will turn into a job. maybe not. maybe that hobby will have you meet someone new. maybe not. maybe that hobby will even just open your eyes, mind & heart to something you didn’t realize you were missing… & then you realize… you don’t miss scrolling.
& make that new hobby a habit.
& STOP doing things that make you feel like shit… as if what you’re putting forth into the world isn’t worth while or good enough.
you are so worth it.
i hope you got something out of this… “taking out” whatever you can. reach out. vent. share. i’m here for you.
Take Out with TK 