the numbers game

if you’ve been following me for awhile, you’ve seen my numbers fluctuate.
you may not know my numbers, but you’ve seen them change…
the numbers on the tags of my clothes…
& the numbers on the scale.

& again… if you’ve been following me for awhile, you’d know that these numbers used to create my identity.

eating disorders in middle & high school…
obsessively counting calories in college & taking diet pills…
finding my emotional joy in over working out while going through my divorce…
being content w/ my size when performing full time again & then the numbers going up when a new relationship creates happiness.
& then of course… dropping numbers when trying to conquer pcos.

it’s been all over the place.
you can read more about all that here.

while obviously i know many of those times, i was physically “growing up”…
my point is that the numbers on my clothes & on the scale always…
ALWAYS…
had some an effect on me.
ALWAYS…
in a negative way.

it’s why i don’t own a scale.

it’s why i don’t freak out when i have to buy “double digits” in sizes.
[the meltdown i had in 2012 when i went from a size 8 to a size 10 lasted weeks].

is this resonating w/ anyone?

according to my IG poll i took a few days ago…
out of 223 ppl who took it…
96% of that crew…
aka 214 ppl…
feel they’re targeted or triggered by numbers on the tag of their clothes or the numbers on the scale.

isn’t that nuts?

even if 25k+ ppl took that poll…
i bet the percentage would be the same if not very similar.

who created this trigger in our minds about numbers?…
doctors?
models?
fashion designers?
our friends who stand next to us?
our parents?
our coaches or teachers?

it’s wild, huh?

i remember when i first had to buy a size 10 pair of jeans…
i almost didn’t buy anything at all.
i refused for awhile to buy anything that was bigger than what i had.
but i knew that wasn’t realistic…
& loving clothes the way i do…
i know i wasn’t going to be happy w/o clothes in my closet i fit into…
but it also didn’t make me happy to know that the pieces i had to wear now – even if they were cute – were bigger.

i’ve come a long way since 2012.
why? i dunno…
kids?
maturity?
the lack of energy to give af?

don’t get me wrong…
i’m still very aware of how i look…
i have to look at pictures or videos of myself on stage all the time…
yes, we have mirrors but also phones that take pictures & videos of anyone @ ANY time.

shit… i’ve also def come a long way since 2001…
i had my first “boyfriend”…
& that’s when my anorexia started…
it was bc i believed the girl needed to be smaller than the guy like “barbie & ken”.
& bc my bf was a track runner & basketball player…
he was thin.
so i needed to be too…
& more than him.

but bc i was tall…
the numbers on the scale weren’t ever as low as my friends’, nor were they as small as the tags on the clothes we were all going shopping for.

i remember when i grew out of Limited Too before my friends did…
or when i was the biggest size Hollister carried.

or when my bf would want to buy me things & it would never be clothes bc i was too embarrassed about the size of what it’d have to be.
i’d have to tell him that i’d need a 7 or 9 instead of a 1 or a 3.
[remember junior sizes? haha]

8th grade…
12/13 yrs old…
this numbers game starts early, ya’ll.

a few of you have said that this mindfuck started when you were teenagers too.
& some of those same few are in their late 40’s, early 50’s now.
that’s a long time to have our psyche messed w/ based on the number on our clothes & scales!
UGH I HATE IT,

fast forward to now where i, personally, don’t give a fuuuuuuu.

what i care about is my health…
& i know if i’m “over”weight…
my health will not be good.
so THAT’S what i’ll care about.

if i stay the same shape & size i am right now…
i’ve come to terms w/ that.

transparency:
i have no idea what i weigh right now on march 15th…
but january 17th, when i did my weigh in at orange theory…
i was 187.1 lbs.
& i’m a size 8-12, give or take. HA.

i think what bothers me more than my actual size is that i can’t order clothes from the same store or designer as i could pre-baby…
& then i just get pissed bc i want to wear a certain style of short or top & it’s not available in an XL…

which…
what even makes an XL an XL when they’re all different?

bc i’m a M @ target but an XL from shein.

or i’m an 8 in 1 pair of jean shorts & then the other 8 i have in the same brand doesn’t fit?

but look at this…

WHY ARE SIZES SO DIFFERENT EVERYWHERE????

why can’t there be a universal sizing chart?!

doesn’t society knows what this does to our brains?!

one of my besties from college literally just FT’d me after seeing my IG story about this blog & immediately wanted to talk about this challenge.
[1 – i’m honored she was so stoked but 2 – i’m pissed about her story that relates]…

she’s going to be a bridesmaid & after having gone into fittings in order to know which size of dress to order…
1 area of her body fits 1 size & the other parts fit another size…
a smaller size…
so she’s going to have pay an extra $60 to get the bigger size due to that size “needing more material”… for JUST that ONE part of her body…
& then spend god knows how much to alter the rest of the dress & take out the material that is too big!
SO ANNOYING.

another friend of mine reminded me on IG, after my poll, that designers like Ted Baker & Chico invented their own sizing…
1, 2, 3, 4, etc.
is this better?
idk.

it also bothers me that i can’t wear all the clothes in my closet bc I like them…
not bc they’re a certain size.
i really just want to wear my stuff!

yes yes… that is motivation to “lose weight” but also… not.

we should have clothes in our closets that fit us…
we shouldn’t have to fit into THEM.
y’know what i mean?

& don’t get be started on bathing suits.

here are my bathing suits that i just took out of my dresser drawer.
i’m going through them today & picking out what i can still wear w/o the elastic digging into my love handles or back.

ps- i’ve never cared about my bathing suit size bc i want to feel/look good in it & so i have a cheat code…
buy the next size up.
yes they stretch a little & yes they get a little more loose when they get wet BUT…
they fit w/o clinging.
perks of suits w/ string ties is that they can be adjusted.

now, i’m not talking about this for a pity party.
i swear… most of the time ppl don’t read the things i write w/ the photo i attach to it & then i get “oh you’re beautiful… don’t be so down on yourself.” etc…
i’m not!
READ IIIIIT.

i just wanted to write about this open the floor…
to give anyone a chance to chat about it…
to let you know that you’re not alone in your frustrations, aggravations & annoyances.

parents…
i’d love to know how you feel about this & how you’re raising your children in hopes to keep the numbers game away from their concern.
i understand we can only do so much since they obviously are influenced where they go to school, church, extra curricular’s, etc…
but you know what i mean.

raising 2 little humans where numbers could influence their sense of worth is terrifying.

a girlfriend of mine told me she said to her 3 year old daughter the other day:
“oh honey, i don’t think you can wear those anymore! you’re too big for them!”
& she immediately felt self conscious of saying that bc of how SHE was effected when she was younger.
her daughter doesn’t see a problem w/ outgrowing something!
she WANTS to outgrow things bc that means she’s “growing up”…
she’s a “big girl” bc that was always the goooooooal…

& then one day we’re “grown up” & considered a “big girl” & it’s an insult.

GOOD LAWD.
help it make sense.

this soap box is a long one this week.
but i don’t apologize.
this is a sensitive subject.
& this is a safe space.
so if you take out anything from this…
know you & i can chit chat.

love you.