vulnerability

so this word can meet a lot of things, right?

it can mean you’re real w/ others…
you share the ins & outs of your experiences.

it can mean you’re real w/ yourself…
you don’t sugar coat what kind of experience you’re in or dealing w/.

vulnerability has looked different on me for different life chapters.

i had to be vulnerable when i admitted my 1st marriage was a failure.
i had shut my mouth about the whole situation i had been in for a 18 months & enough was enough.
my side of the story was deserved to be known.

but fear escape more than my strength.

i had to be vulnerable to get back to into shape knowing i wanted to perform again.
i hadn’t been taking care of myself bc of my lack of care.
but i deserved better.

i started to take charge.

i had to be vulnerable to my now husband in telling him all my secrets.
i didn’t want to leave anything out or sugar coat anything i had ever done.
the truth always comes out & if i wanted this to last, he needed to know everything.

that fear started to fade & i was accepted & loved for being me.

i then CHOSE to be vulnerable when i decided to share my journey w/ PCOS bc
1) i want ppl to stop asking “when are you going to have a baby?”
but also 2) bc someone out there maybe has dealt w/ the same thing

& guess what?
THEY HAD.

ppl came (from my perscpective) out from nowhere telling me they had PCOS or hormonal imbalances too!

& i DEFINITELY had to be vulnerable when we decided to share the loss of our baby boy.
that was the most painful experience i’ve ever had to endure…
& i can’t imagine having not shared it.
& the amount of response about being open & how some have gone through the same thing again, too…

IT’S WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG.

to be vulnerable.
to be an open book.
to use this to help others while also allowing myself the therapy to speak freely.

& now i thrive in vulnerability.

i shared a photo w/ ya’ll that i didn’t want to.
it ain’t cute (from my perspective).

the things i wore on stage during biketoberfest this past weekend had me feeling vulnerable FOR SURE.
but it was bc of the journey i’ve climbed through that allowed room for that comfortability.

i’m not here to show you all the highlights.
i want to show you the lowlights.
no – i’m not talking about hair.

social media is made for the highlights, right?
or for the businesses of business.

i use mine for both!

but i also want to use it for realness.
i want to be authentic.

i want to be taught & humbled.

i want to be told how i can become my best self.

i want to help others feel that power.

i want to show others that it’s possible to be fearful & faithful at the same time.

[ i loved this i found on IG]

dude… the unknown is fucking scary.

it’s why i think ppl are afraid of the dark…
it’s the unknowwwwwn what’s “out there” in it.

& honestly? i think it always will be.

i think it always will be scary to…
take a leap of faith…
to put yourself out there…
to start your own business…
to leave your comfort zone…
to date someone you don’t feel you deserve…
to be real w/ the person you love in fear they won’t love you anymore…
to be real w/ others about how you feel…
to admit your health isn’t where is could be…
to face differences w/ your hormones you’ve never experienced before…
to accept yourself WHERE YOU ARE…

& that’s what i’m here to do w/ you.

i’m here to accept you where you are.

i’m here to tell you i gotchu.

i’m here to share an opportunity that i have that could help you more than you could possibly know or BELIEVE.

if you want more info on this, go over here.
i share the T.

i asked my team to share their definitions of the world “vulnerable”.
here’s some other perspective.
i hope it helps you in whatever chapter you’re in.

“getting comfortable being UNCOMFORTABLE.”

“being open, sharing yourself w/ someone, not knowing how they will react or perceive you.”

“exposing the parts of ourselves, inside & out, that we are most uncomfortable w/, or hold the closest.”

“not afraid to be you & speak your mind. being your true self, no matter what. everyone is always striving to be like others instead of themselves. we are all beautiful & should strive to be our best self which usually causes us to be vulnerable.”

good stuff.

[ just so good ]

i’m here to help you be open to change.
bc it’s inevitable.
bc it helps you grow.
bc it helps your future self.
bc it helps you become a better human being.
bc it helps you be open minded.
bc it helps you accept new.
be it helps you thrive in vulnerability.

if any of this resonates w/ you…
if you need any of this…
if you desire this type of community…
dm me.
text me.
call me.
facetime me.
or fill this out.
whateverrrr.

i’m here to cheer you on just as those who’ve been here since the beginning have cheered me on.

my gift isn’t “motivation”…
but i do work on my ability to find the right words & put them in a way where you leave w/ more inspo & info than you came into this w/.

emotion dump

the last couple weeks have been testing priorities.

& i haven’t written bc of the lack of time or energy i’ve had to feel emotions.
or even just write them all down.
but that hit me like a ton of bricks on sunday.
A TON of bricks.
one of the worst days i’ve had in a LONG time.

it was just the cherry on top of the change that needed to happen.

some of you may know that my dad was in the hospital again.

he went in on sept 23.
17 days later, he was finally released after 2 infections were taken care of.
he came home this past saturday & that was wonderful. 🙂

[lurayna LOVES her papoo playing the piano!]

but during that time, i was working 10-12 hour days at my day job in HR & then 2-3 nights a week working 5 hr gigs (some out of town w/ a 1.5 drive).
again – i didn’t have time for emotions.
bc when i finally let myself have time…
i broke.

[most of the relationship i feel like i have is via Facetime… thank god for technology]

while i’m working my ass off, my husband is too.
but also while taking care of our baby.
which is AMAZING.
he’s literally had a closing every week the past few weeks & continue to.
but it makes me SO jealous that he’s home AND working w/ her.

[lulu on a date w/ her daddy while he had a closing on the coast!]

she clapped a few weeks ago & i got so excited.
he says: “yeah! she does that now!!”
& i literally just started crying.
bc in that exact moment…
we BOTH realized we hadn’t realized how often i’m gone.

& it’s not ok.
i’m not ok.

i need flexibility back.
i need stability in my paychecks, yes…
but i need to be home.

are there certain things in your life that pull you back & realize what your priorities are vs what they should be?

i find myself guilty that i’m not spending enough time w/ my baby but then excusing that feeling bc i’m providing for her.

does she know the difference?
not yet.
but i do.

[gosh i love her]

& it’s like an attack on emotions.

the thought of sending her to daycare or having a constant babysitter every day is heartbreaking to me.
i know, i know… it’s normal.

but w/ my dad’s health being so scary right now…
i can’t work 60 hr work weeks.
i just can’t.

so that’s been a soul search of mine.

what i’ve realized:

covid changed us as a people.
we had to stay home & just be.
priorities shifted to appreciate quality time w/ each other like never before.
& while we all were/are ready to get out there again…
there won’t be a “normal” like the old “normal”.
this is new.
we’ve evolved.
we’re realizing what’s more important to us now that we have a new “normal”.

shit.
we have a new “normal” after a pandemic PLUS after having a baby!

& sometimes…
there is no guidance in that.
we just have to figure it out through experience.
& when we haven’t experienced a pandemic or having a baby…
ya just learn as ya go.
so that’s what i’m doing.

[lots of tears & lots of love]

my last day w/ HR will be wednesday.

the time here has been so rewarding & i’ve learned so much about what we do here at UO.
i believe in this company.
i believe in what we do & how we do it.
it’s been an honor to be part of the hiring process in one of the most demanding times of hiring this company has ever seen.
what a legacy this department has already!

while i appreciated my time & team, i need to go back to my roots of entertainment.

& bc my family is my priority right now & there are many shifts happening in my life to make them so…
i had to turn down another year as an assistant stage manager w/ event production too.

going from one 40-60 hr a week job to another isn’t going to help solve my priority crisis.
especially during the holidays!

so w/ that said…
i’m excited to go back to my magical stage

not bc it’s a “last resort”.
it’s bc it’s home.

it’s time to refocus.
it’s time to regroup.
it’s time to be intentional w/ my time & stop saying “yes” to every opportunity that comes my way.

i get to choose.

i get to make sure i’m spending my time w/ how i want…
making money how i want…
& when.

i’m excited for this new chapter.
i’m excited for my new business i’ve made for myself that i get to work from home with.
i’m excited w/ sharing new opportunities w/ others to do the same.
i’m excited for time w/ my family.

take out this:
emotions can be deceiving sometimes.
but gut feelings are still part of your emotions.

feel those.
feel all of them.
& then decipher your priorities w/ them.

[my #1 priorities]