1 in 4

as we round out the last week of october, i didn’t want to lose sight of what this month reflects on. it’s not a fun topic, but it’s a real one.

october is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month.

most of you know my story.

not only did i not want to join the pcos “club”, i certainly didn’t want to join the pregnancy & infancy loss “club” either.

infertility is hard.
having someone – a professional – tell you there is not much chance for you to produce human life… yknow… the way we were made to… is bad enough.
but then you add in the “what ifs” when you’re reading your blood test results.
maybe they’re normal, so you’re sitting there stumped as to “how can this be? why can’t i get pregnant?”
or maybe they’re abnormal but you don’t know why & you’re desperate to find out how you can fix it.

thinking:
“is ivf the only way?
but i can’t afford that.
& i’m open to adoption, but that’s super expensive too…”

& then you DO get pregnant.
you’ve conquered the statistic.
but then complications, unforeseen, happen…
complications you couldn’t have done anything to save or fix at all.

& then you lose what you’ve been aiming for…
trying for…
living for…
with no answers.

you may not have my story.
you may not have a pregnancy or infant loss story at all.
i’m not here to shame you & make you feel guilty if you don’t.
seriously… i don’t wish that on anyone.

but there are 1 in 4 women who have stories.
sometimes multiple.

i am 1 in 4.
my mom is 1 in 4.
after i shared my story a few months ago, i found out so many i know are 1 in 4.
it blew my mind.

& the stigma about infertility & loss is heart wrenching.
granted… women, in general, have come a long way…

we can vote.
we can open bank accounts.
we can practice law.
we can be part of a jury.
we’re granted maternity leave (that wasn’t a thing, btw… if you got pregnant, you most likely lost your job until the 1978 pregnancy discrimination act).
we can breast feed in public.
we can attend ivy league schools.
we can join the military.
we can run for presidency.

all of these things are awesome, right?

but what if we can’t do what society thinks we were only good for in the first place: reproduction?

i mean, have you SEEN handmaid’s tale?
granted, yes, it’s a show w/ hollywood essences…
BUT… there is much truth to many aspects, yeah?
so many cultures still – even to this day – think less of women who are infertile or cannot reproduce.

i found this article earlier.
it’s super interesting & talks about the history of infertility in different cultures.
from the chinese making concubines bear their children if their wives couldn’t…
to the greeks burning women at the stake or making them drink the blood of pregnant animals.

it’s all gross but you can see the desperation due to the insignificance they felt.

yes, times are different now, but there a is a little bit taken from that.

so it’s not just about “i want what i can’t have” when we lose a child or can’t get pregnant.
women also experience “who am i? what is my purpose? am i good enough?”

we have this expectation for ourselves our entire life & then it’s not reality?
or maybe it’s not our reality in the time frame we figured it’d be.

i often wonder what my mom must have felt after giving birth to what she expected to be a perfect baby.

her & my dad waited 8 years before trying for kids.
that was a long time back in the 80’s.
they were traveling musicians who wanted to live on the road & play music as long as they could!
(THOSE stories are incredible, btw. i mean, they basically lived out of a red van & played clubs all around the country – so cool.)
so when they decided to settle down in anaheim, california & plan/try for their first kiddo, it was much to their shock that the plans didn’t pan out the way they expected them to with this “settling down”.

larena wasn’t supposed to live past her birth day.
she wasn’t supposed to live past a week.
but she did…
up until 6 months & 1 day.

(may 24 – november 25, 1986)

she didn’t meet many original expectations but she exceeded many new expectations.
& she was loved & cared for more than can be put into words.

expectations are ok.
they drive us.
they help us set goals.
but flexibility in life is so necessary too.
& so is grace.

my parents gave themselves time to grieve.
& while they never got over it, they knew they needed to move forward.

they accepted entertainment contracts in tokyo, japan at disney & 2 years later, came back pregnant w/ their rainbow baby; me. 🙂

why was my mom chosen to have that testimony?
why am i now sharing one similar?
we don’t know.

if you’re suffering from this months’ reflection, i’m here for you.
i’m here to listen to your testimony.
i’m here to vent to.
i’m here to celebrate you, your strength, your worthiness, & your purpose.
& i’m here to relate.

i know what it feels like to look at pregnancy photos & think:
“this is the pregnancy announcement that won’t be”.

the announcement that said:
“we are having a baby” that changes to “we had a baby”.

i know what it feels like to get pregnant & feel guilty about it…
or to think:
“it’s too good to be true, there’s going to be something wrong again” as you cry & watch your ultrasounds while having flashbacks.

i know what it feels like to experience an excruciating, physical pain you didn’t sign up for while dealing with the terrible emotional & mental pain you didn’t see coming.

i know what it’s like to need to distance yourself & walk out of a room full of friends talking about their babies, breast pumps, & sleepless nights.

i found some of these photos online that are just real real. they said things better than i could.

(i swear… it makes you want to punch someone in the face, yeah?)

(i have peace knowing he’s in baby heaven with my sister)

(it goes with the “you don’t know the battle someone’s fighting”)

(this is so real. i’m actually pretty sick right now & my anxiety is at a high. my doctors said she’s fine but there is still the “what ifs” that flood the mind after feeling this chapter is so delicate.)

i know you don’t think about all of this just in the month of october.

if there has been a death in the family, we don’t think of their loss on the anniversary of it or on their birthdays.
it can be an everyday thing.

but i hope you can take out some hope.
i hope you can find some joy in knowing you’re not staying in that place of fear, loss, & emptiness forever.
your testimony – whatever it may be – is so strong & is bigger than you.
& while we all hate being a statistic, if we weren’t part of this “club” we wouldn’t have this transparency w/ each other.
i’m thankful for it.

life can be a shit show

i’ve been in a MOOD this week.
moods of tears where i’m sad & feel defeated…
OR
i’m just THAT mad.
sometimes in those moments, the only release i have are tears bc words just don’t come.
(anyone else experience rage tears?)

& then i feel guilty for even having any type of negative feelings at all bc everything could be worse…

ps- this may be a transparent, vent session this week, but it’s therapeutic & there are always silver linings. sometimes writing out our con’s can help establish our pro’s.

i got my first negative comment on this blog last week, so that’s how it all started. it was left anonymous so i can’t attempt a private conversation. in the matter of 30 min of reading it, i experienced anger, frustration, confusion, sadness & then understanding. the response is what it is.
+ i knew the minute i started a blog, i was opening myself up for future debates or backlash.
that’s ok.

the same day, there was a bunch of passive aggressive, generalized accusations towards the wedding i spoke about too, via facebook statuses & posts. those all had me on defense mode & my irritation levels were at an all time high.

the contractor we hired to redo our guest bathroom tested positive for covid-19 & while my wonderful husband fully demolished our bathroom to get it ready for him to come, we are counting our blessings that he never stepped foot in the house.

bc of the bathroom remodel, the nursery can’t be touched until the bathroom is finished (as it is the room we’re holding much of the bathroom items in).
the house is in disarray & a tad stressful.
(anyone else consider their home a sanctuary for their sanity & feel out of control if it’s not put together? i guess this is training for this kid coming?)

thousands & thousands of theme park employees, many friends of mine, have been laid off & let go from their jobs.
not to mention friends on broadway, in cirque de soleil, & on tour… just having to reinvent their livelihoods bc there is literally nothing available.
our industry is hurting so much & it hurts us individually so much to SEE so much hurt we can’t do anything about.

don’t get me started on these “debates” we’ve all had the pleasure of watching…

& finally, we thought my dad might have been in the clear, but it looks that there are still unanswered questions & unKNOWN answers to questions.
he is back at the doctor today (as he was also yesterday) & we’re just so frustrated about his comfort levels (or lack of).
it’s been 5 years since it’s initial surgery.
while he’s been cancer free, the complications have been so painful for him & painful for us to watch.

am i complaining? sure.
am i allowed? yep.

are you having a week where you just want to drink a handle of whiskey? or maybe you just need a punching bag.
maybe you need to hear that it’s ok to be a negative nancy every once & awhile.
maybe you need to hear that while yes – there are silver linings in every day – that finding the ray of sunshine in everything is exhausting.
maybe you need to hear that getting up, not making the bed but making a cup of coffee instead…
not getting dressed but folding laundry…
not cooking but still remembering to eat…
& not working out but getting some fresh air…
is all totally & completely fine.

but what you shouldn’t be doing…
is comparing your shit to other ppl’s shit.

your struggles are yours & they aren’t any less important than others.

i had a woman come up to me the other night & explain she felt guilty for feeling sorry for herself based on her struggles after reading about mine!
NO.
& then iiiii felt bad that my posts made her feel this way.
that is not my point of writing at all.
if anything, i want you to feel like you can relate…
not feel like your pain is inadequate to mine.
it’s ok to feel your struggles but it’s not ok to feel guilty about feeling them based on someone else’s struggles.
does someone have it worse than you?
who are we to judge?
it’s all relative.

mental health awareness day was yesterday.
if you struggle w/ pcos, mental health for you may look different than the average, balanced hormone gal.
if you’re pregnant, mental health for you may feel very different than how you felt before your hormones were going berserk.
OR
if you are battling the world that is basically battling itself, mental health for you may feel very different than when things were fine, normal & coasting.

anxiety is real.
depression is real.
mental change is real.

we’ve all done great things, despite the anxiety we feel.
& will continue to do so!

& finding positivity IS important.
it doesn’t erase the negative thoughts & experiences, it highlights that there is still good, regardless.

in this crap week, we found some good.
even great. 🙂

we had our last high risk appt this past week!
lurayna may is growing & things are progressing the way they should be.
as long as it continues that way, we’ll only need to visit my regular OB until she arrives in january!
we’re praying for a smooth sail til then.

we also got to see her 3D which was trippy & beautiful. 🙂

(totally looks like a wax figure)

(she’s becoming a human!)

i hope you find some comfort & peace this week.
i hope if you had the week of “i need a handle of whiskey” that you found time to be mad, sad & negative…
but now you find the positive, the pro’s & the sunshine.

but do you.
take out whatever you want.
take whatever time you need to cope.
cope however you need (as long as it’s healthy in the long run).
function, survive, & take 1 day at a time.
if it’s your best, that’s more than good enough.

framily

framily.
your chosen family.
there is no one like them.

don’t get be wrong…
i love my family… immediate, inlaw & extended.
but living in a different state than more than 90% of them, my parents showed us how important it was to have that chosen family…
that support system.

growing up, i had many pseudo aunts, uncles, cousins, & even grandparents.
it was amazing!
while we missed our physical family growing up, we never missed the feeling of being loved.
we were always taken care of by the framily my parents had.
& for that, i’m forever grateful.
& bc of that example, jonny & i are so adamant to keep quality friends in our life.
yes, for our sake, but also our future child(ren)’s sake.

& goodness it’s needed when things get hard.
i know 2020 has been a HOT MESS.
this past weekend, we had the pure privilege of seeing some of our framily get married…

they had plans of a very different wedding that was cancelled 2.5 months prior to their date.
they re-planned & revisited their guest list within days & had a different plan.
they kept the date & they kept the importance of getting married a priority.
they made their union the priority & i am HERE for it.

i have had the pleasure of being friends w/ them for 10 years to the day!
TEN! & that entire time, they’ve had a love story blossoming without even really knowing it (but we all did). ha!
but it made it that much sweeter to see them tie the knot.

i wanted to share a few photos from our wedding bliss life chapters together.

(my wedding, 2 years ago: after 8 yrs of bestie-nessssss)

(her wedding this past weekend: 10 years of friendship!… & shy of 24 weeks of pregnant. HA)

(we shared all the feelings… her & ale are priceless)

(all the feelings)

(& as thankful as i am to have them in my framily, i’m thankful i was chosen to be in theirs)

also, i wanted to shout out to my other framily members & say “thank you”.

thank you for choosing me to walk life with.
thank you for being there for me when life chapters are harder than we all think they should be.
thank you for being the ear to listen when i complain & vent about life being hard or ppl being stupid.
thank you for being the ones i call when i can’t handle a decision to be made or an outfit to be chosen.
thank you for being the ones who support me in my career, goals, health challenges, & doctor diagnoses.
thank you for loving me during my blunt truth & unavoidable past.
thank you for taking all the pictures i ever want to take.
thank you for walking into my life & proving your friendship.

those reading, do you have a “squad”, “pack”, or “framily”?
i pray you do.
investing in relationships, especially as we get older, is so important.
it’s for the soul… the good times & the bad.
& we have to work at them.
we just don’t have friends by default bc we share the same class or bus ride to school.
we have to be intentional.

this year has been hard… for everyone…
& if they’ve been there for you while you’ve vented about life this year, were you there for them when they’ve needed your ear or time too?
do you have room for them to share their baggage on top of yours?
are you being the best you you can be for the people who strive to be the best for you?

some of these questions are hard.
& i’ve had to look in the mirror & analyze my own answers.

am i taking care of myself so i can take care of my framily?
to be there for them when they need me like they’ve been there for me?

also… do you realize how much of a difference YOUR life makes in someone else’s?
YOU are a BIG DEAL to someone…
maybe to a few… maybe to many.
it doesn’t matter the quantity.
leave room for the quality.

after planning a birthday party 1 year, i was disappointed in some friends that had said they were going to be there & just didn’t show up.
or… they gave me an excuse the day of or an hour before saying they couldn’t make it for whatever reason.

my friend, ale once told me:
“don’t count the pennies, count the quarters.”

i had to marinate on this for a bit but it clicked.
i allowed myself to get disappointed about this situation so easily bc i know what kind of friend IIIIII am to those that mean the world to me.
& i had to stop expecting everyone to be the same.

a relationship is a 2 way street.
it’s not 50/50… it’s 100/100.
ANY relationship.
if you want a relationship w/ anyone you feel deserves YOUR time then YOU have to put in the time.

do we get busy?
of course.
we’re all livin’ our own lives… but it’s so important to leave room for others.
to invest.

i’m so thankful my parents’ friends invested in our family.
i had the upbringing i had bc of them!
i’m so thankful jonny & i have found friends who continue to choose to invest in us.
our kids will have so many “aunts & uncles” & i’m so excited & grateful for that!

actions speak louder than words.
& i’m hoping you take out some tips from this & really think about who your framily is & why they are who they are to you.
& then… tell them how much you value them.
there is no better feeling than feeling loved & appreciated for just being yourself. 🙂