women supporting women

some weeks i don’t find that what i have to say is entertaining or catchy enough to write about.

but then i realize…
this blog was started for meeeeee.
but i don’t always want to talk about me.

i feel that my life is about to change.
i feel a pivot & i don’t know what it is.
yes – i know i just had a baby. clearly that changes life.
but i feel like something else is going to happen.
adventure.
maybe tradeshows are miraculously going to come back?
maybe i’ll get to start traveling again?
no idea.

what is so prominent this week?
the badass women in my life.
i want to shout their praises through the rooftops bc of what changes they’ve endured.

i want to celebrate others’ successes!

during this pandemic year, so many friends of mine had to reinvent themselves.
they’ve started new jobs.
they’ve started new careers.
they’ve started new companies.
they’ve started new lives!

& that takes a shitton of guts.

no one asked to be laid off, for the world to shut down & for the entertainment industry to be temporarily deleted.

but these kickass women in my life are thriving in this challenge of change!

i just want to brag.

1st of all, my mom.
she’s been kicking ass since the beginning of time, but like… even more so this year.
she’s holding her shit together while having to relearn how to teach music.
this pandemic has put a damper on everyone’s life, but teachers – holy cow. what?
after 30 years of teaching, she’s had to learn virtual learning, curriculum ventures, etc.
it’s a lot.

on top of that, she’s been taking care of my dad.
w/ chemo every week & it taking so much out of him, she’s officially the homemaker & breadwinner.
she’s superwoman.
she’s taking on these challenges 1 day at a time & doing it w/ grace.

AAAAND the sweetest nanny luri for her 1st grandbaby luryana may.

my mother in law, pam, was the highlight of my week as well.
she was visiting from illinois this past week & was so helpful.
w/ going back to work, she was able to hang w/ the baby, spoil her w/ new development toys, help w/ laundry & make scrumptious dinners.
she holds the family together.
she’s the most encouraging.
she’s just the best.

my sister started doing some worrrrrk this past year. she started a movement & non-profit in nashville called “nashville musicians for change”. she works for & on the things that important to her. she prioritizes the things she believes in!

my best friend finished her masters degree DURING A PANDEMIC. i have no idea how. but she did it. she taught students the art of acting. she slayed her projects & pieces. savannah literally did what i could not even think or fathom. & now she’s in the midst of putting together her very own cabaret. i’m pumped for her!

look at these women.
LOOK AT THEM.
rachel, lindsay & ale of the american sirens are just creating original music, concepts, videos, choreography & shows.
no big deal.
JOKES. it’s a huge deal. they’re booking gigs bc of their product & it’s inspiring.

i feel like i talk about her all the time, but i don’t care!
one of my best friends from high school has been an artist for as long as i remember.
whether it was via music, drawing, calligraphy (her handwriting is unfair)…
she’s a thoughtful & feeling person.
she’s used her life experiences to fulfill her creativity.
she rebranded herself this year & i am here. for. it!
while i will miss curated dry goods stationary & hanging art, i can now WEAR her art!

[she’s gorgeous & so are her pieces]
[i clearly dressed it down]

w/ my new phone case, i needed a pop socket.
i don’t know how to hold my phone w/o it anymore.
so i needed my other friend from high schools artwork to wear tooooo!
caroline – again – someone w/ handwriting that isn’t fair…
she has been creating & drawing since the beginning of time.
her company is oh so graceful
so colorful.
so insightful.
just so good.
& i picked this one bc i needed this reminder!

curated dry goods & oh so graceful together 💛

& i can’t forget to mention this fierce woman who decided to start an entire company during this “down time”.
michelle has always been insanely talented & motivated but the event industry is going to be thoroughly impressed when live entertainment comes back w/ a vengeance.
the world better be ready for hawkmoon creative.

& showcasing these mama’s & friend’s of mine who are killin’ it w/ the new life change of momhood.
they all have their own stories.
they all have their own challenges & changes everyday that they are witnessing & pushing through.
talk about reinventing themselves.
they’re in charge of another human now.
changed priorities have rocked them to the core.
hormones are raging.
& they’re doin the damn thing.
every.
day.

there are so many other women in my life that are inspiring… like some of their captions i’m like “WHOA I WENT TO CHURCH”.
whether i’ve met them or not.
some i just follow on social media.

@thebirdspapaya
@lfgbabe


but either way, i take out some major key points to live by just by reading, following & browsing.

keep it up y’all. you never know who you’re inspiring.

back at it

officially officially back at work!
brushed up & burned in w/ the captain hat back on.

it was so fun to come back the day after mothers day & just talk about how i got to celebrate it this year.
it was so surreal.
& you know what feels good?
people being happy for you.
my coworkers were so happy for my happy that it makes me tear up just thinking about the support system we have in this backstage dressing room.

it’s been so wonderful to catch up w/ the gals in my show…
to see my management team….
to run into other team members backstage…
all of it has been so good & so fun!
all of the good spirits & chit chat has made me not even think about the costume fitting a certain way, etc.

my body is def happy to be moving so much again, but it’s also adjusting.
pumping between shows…
finding that perfect balance of eating enough to not feel faint but not eating too much to not feel bloated in costume…
singing & dancing in a face covering…
& dancing in character heels on a concrete, raked stage is not something my knees or hips will ever get used to.
but it sure feels good to be back in blue!


i thought i’d have a terribly hard time leaving the babe in the mornings, but yknow what?
it’s awesome when you love what ya do.
AND it’s awesome when your baby gets to hang out w/ her fam.
+ we still have our morning feedings together as of right now. 🙂

now…
the moment we have to have someone else other than family babysit her, or we have to take her to a daycare…
i’ll be a hellish mess.

w/ my in-laws in town this week, it’s been WONDERFUL.
they’ve been so helpful so the hubs can focus on work or house stuff.
+ my FIL has helped me shop for new car insurance bc apparently i’ve been getting robbed. oops. (adulting sucks)


they even took lulu to church to see my dad! (i had to work.)

after they head back up north, we’ll take advantage of my mom & dad being 35 min away & my mom out of school!

all that to say…
she’s been in great hands & being away has made me miss her like crazy!
our snuggle times at night can’t get any sweeter. 🙂

what were some things you had to get used to at work when you went back?
any “going back to work” postpartum stories ya wanna share?
did you day cares? babysitters? or maybe you’re super lucky & your workplace has childcare!?

i hope you take out a smile here.
i’m just catching you up on life.
not really talking about life lessons or trying to be inspirational whatsoever.
just doin’ life the way we gotta.

i hope yours is going easy on you.

gifts that keep on giving

what a whirlwind.
my emotions this past weekend have gone through the ringer!

but before i dive into that, i want to take a moment & thank all of you.

thank you for the prayers, encouragement, & well wishes you sent for my dad.
it’s been overwhelming for our entire family during this time.
from swallowing the news, to sharing it, to responding to the publicity of it.
thank you for having patience w/ us – especially my mom.
thank you for constantly have our backs & asking how you can help.
thank you for just being you.

w/ that said…
daddy will have had 3 weeks of chemo this week & it’s definitely been wearing on him.
keep those prayers coming.

but w/ all the celebrations from this past weekend…
he (we) had some wonderful distractions.

lurayna may is definitely the gift that keeps on giving.
she’s such a delight to our family & truly the highlight for everyone.

while i was feeling a bit under the weather last week due to my 2nd pfizer shot, i had the best, chill/working bday.

it was thursday & my hubby put together an impromptu day full of love.
he knows i love progressive dinners (my fav date night would be to start w/ apps @ 1 restaurant & go to a diff restaurant for every course!)…
so he had planned a progressive day of friends & loved ones. 🙂

starting out w/ brunch @ our house, we had a handful of friends visit.
my parents brought donuts, mom baked an egg casserole & friends brought champagne, cheesecake, fruit, choc covered strawberries, thoughtful gifts & lots of laughs.
lulu slept through the whole thing!

i took an epic nap while the hubby hung out w/ the babe.

[goofballs]

& then we ended the night @ my gig in town w/ lots of friendly faces that surprised me in the audience!

the hubs is just the best.
it was a great day.

i had gigs the rest of the weekend but mom, dad & my pseudo aunt, came to jam on saturday.
mom even got to sing! 🙂

[i get everything from her!]

come sunday, i was ready to celebrate love.
a love i’ve never known until 3 months ago.

my very 1st mothers day.

i didn’t know how i’d feel.

w/ losing our son in 2019, i figured that if we ever did have children, i’d always still be a little sad he wasn’t here.

however…
sunday…
was a celebration of life.
the lives that changed mine…
the life of a man that helped make these babies…
the lives of the babies that were created w/ love…
the life of the baby i physically hold in my arms…
the life of the woman who made me…
the lives of the women who made my mom who she is…
the lives of the women who have made me who i am…

it was surreal.

it’s an answered prayer.

now when you’ve never gotten to celebrate a holiday & you’ve been anticipating it for about 10 years…
you put a lot of pressure on it to be perfect.

like…
how will you spend it?
who will you spend it w/?
what will you wear?

i know these may be silly questions…
especially that last one…
but w/ it being my 1st mothers day…
i knew it was going to be memorable, regardless of what we did.
i wanted to take pictures, document the whole day & of course MATCH.

i mean… she’s my mini me, right?

i was so excited to.
& then i tried the dress on i wanted to wear…

& low & behold…
it didn’t fit.

wouldn’t even go over my ass, ya’ll.

wouldn’t even buuuuudge.

why did i choose the night before to try it on?
smh.

so the morning of i got to practice a little improv craftiness.

ready for this?…

so remember the rainbow tulle we used for our announcement photo?
if not…
here ya go.

& remember that same rainbow tulle i used for some maternity photos my friend took?
if not…
here ya go.

& thennnn remember that saaaaame rainbow tulle we used for our newborn, lifestyle shoot?
if not…
here ya go!

well… here is my outfit for mothers day!

yep.
w/ scissors & a stapler…
anything in fashion is possible! HA!

10 minutes & voila!
we matched another dress she had thanks to this tulle & a tutu (w/ an elastic waistband – PRAISE) i already had!

i can’t imagine needing this tulle again??…
but…
it’s proved to be another gift that keeps on giving.

we went to brunch at our fav date spot & got some fancy family time.

mimosas & a beautifully selected pre fix menu.

after that, we picked up the pup & headed to my parents for dinner w/ a sunset.

crab legs & ribs w/ my aunts wine.

it was a great day celebrating love.

it’s 2 days later from the weekend & i’m still amazed at the love i felt.
i don’t think this love feeling will go away.

having a child makes all the holidays way more fun…
even MY birthday…
so full of love.
especially when you see your loved ones interact w/ them.

i mean look at this.

my HEART.

she is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

yes, my tulle is the gift from joann fabrics that keeps on giving…

but this little munchkin is a gift i will never ever take for granted…
that i will never get used to having…
that i truly hope i can continue to give everything i have to & hope to be the example she deserves.

whether you’re a new mom, veteran mom, soon to be mom, hopeful mom or just a really tired mom… i pray you take out a smile from this love.

you are amazing.

you are incredible.

you are a fucking superhero.

& those in your life are lucky/#blessed to have you.

pity parties

we all have them.
we all have a right to have them.
to be in our feelings for a bit.
key words being “a bit”.

i’m finding myself having those parties more often than not.
i’m not staying in my feelings but i’m going in & out of them so so much.

& then when they’re over, i go:
“how dare i feel this way? i have a healthy baby, a cute dog, a supportive husband, a great job… all that i love.”

but those things are hard to remember when little life things happen from day to day.

& the thing is…
shit will always happen.
it’s inevitable… unavoidable.
but also completely temporary.

instead of focusing on the beautiful things i just listed above, this week my mind has been focused on stuff like…
* my dad’s 1st round of chemo & how nauseous he’s felt bc of it. & also learning he’ll lose his hair this time around. that’s going to be hard to see…

* my 33rd bday this week & how i truly didn’t feel like planning anything (which is v abnormal bc i’m that annoying person who likes to celebrate all month long & make excuses to plan things bc of it)…

* going back to work next week & feeling that mom guilt about it…

* feeling like i was in better shape when i was pregnant than i am now. the gym is so… hard…

* seeing cellulite… like… everywhere (when did i get it in my arms?)…

* making every excuse in the book to not eat right.

* chunks of my hair falling out every time i try to style it, wash it, or even just put it in a ponytail.

& these things have ongoing feelings w/ them.

like the “not eating right” thing…

i justify those habits all the time.
“i’m breastfeeding…”
“i don’t have time to make a salad so i’ll just grab this left over pizza…”
“i ran a 5k so i totally should have these donuts…”

or like this week (which i know i’ll use):
“it’s my birthday… week… month…”

am i thankful i have work to go back to?
absolutely!

do i know i just had a baby 12 weeks ago & my body won’t just snap back?
of course.

will i stop wearing light colored leggings bc of the cellulite i don’t want to see?
yep.

will my dad feel better in time?
maybe.
or may feel worse.

will my hair stop falling out?
not sure bc it fell out a lot before i got pregnant bc of PCOS. but nothing compared to my dad’s.

will i do something to celebrate another year around the sun?
i’ll be singing w/ my band at a local restaurant, so that will be enough this year (bc i truly have fun doing that anyway).

it’s just one of those weeks where i need to…
what my mom says…
“find the happy”.

these pity parties are ridiculous.
but ok.
& kinda expected postpartum.
not to mention relevant to PCOS too.

+ life is just hard.
especially when you’re in so many new life chapters at once.

now… feeling bummed, unmotivated, sad or frustrated doesn’t mean i’m not grateful.

i’m very grateful.

everything & anything in life can be worse.

but that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s hard at the moment.

it’s weird, right?

feeling guilty for feeling bad?

it’s weird.

& sometimes i think i’m just picking at things to be upset about.

like… how dare taxes be due the month of my birthday & 1st mothers day.
i have to write a check to the IRS for thousands of dollars when i’m just tryin’ to celebrate fun stuff?
fuck that noise.

but then i have to tell myself…
“well at least you have a job that allows you to pay for them.”

or like the fact i just ran (ok, jogged) my first 5k, 12 weeks postpartum, & i’m more concerned about how chunky i look in the pictures than the actual achievement of doing the damn thing!

[i didn’t originally post this photo bc my face looks huge]

it’s such a back & forth feeling.
& it’s annoying AF. smh.

are you in the same boat?
having pity parties & then feeling bad or guilty that you’re having said pity parties?
i think what will be best for our brains is knowing it’s all temporary.

finding my “happy” (that doesn’t cost any money) usually consists of classic disney movies, multiple episodes of FRIENDS, or writing.

but lately… it’s also praying.

& praying for others.

taking the focus off me, myself & i has made me thankful for the humans in my life.
i’m praying for people i may not even know well or talk to daily, weekly or monthly.
if they pop into my brain, i’ve just been praying.

& that’s been peaceful.

taking out something from this weeks’ post may not be a thing.
i don’t write it to ask for encouragement.
i write to try to relate to someone dealing w/ that same BS guilty feeling.

allow yourself to have those pity parties.
just don’t stay there.

cry.
just wipe the tears, splash some cold water on your face, & watch disney’s hercules.

my best friend savannah reminded me of this: when our mind, body & spirit are going through something, it’s important to remember what you feel is very meaningful in the chapter you’re going through.

& amen to that.