2 years + grace

2 years, we did it! & yes, while we have many more to come… we ALSO survived quarantine. 😉

(fav picture from our wedding, 7/28/18)

but real talk – i don’t think i could have been quarantined with anyone else. i feel like i couldn’t have gotten through many life challenges without my husband.

we’ve been through a lot of shit in the short 4 years we’ve been together – many life events i don’t wish on anyone. & we’ve been through a lot of hurt separately too.

i’m not going to tell you about them for a pity party, i’m going to share them to prove there is hope.

we met at work.
apparently he had worked there for A YEAR & i had never met/noticed him, nor him with me.
while he was full time at a different stage, he subbed often at our venue.
A YEAR, ya’ll. (timing is everything, right? haha)

(he hung out w/ shaggy & the mystery gang 5 days a week! i went to visit between shows!)

we went to each others’ Fringe shows & he asked for my number after hugging me at least 10 times as a “thank you”. i immediately had a huge talent crush after seeing him in his show & we started hanging out with mutual friends.

(our 1st selfie/pic together ever! Orlando Fringe 2016 – at the beer tent w/ my fake ponytail)

& then Pulse happened. it was a tragedy to say the least. & as you may know… tragedies bring out the realest in people.
he was a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone i didn’t feel uncomfortable ugly crying & blowing my nose in front of, & someone i didn’t feel the pressure of “oh i hope i get something out of this vulnerable woman” from.
he was genuine.

(Pulse memorial outside Dr. Phillip’s PAC: One Voice Orlando: A Celebration in Song)

4 months after meeting & getting to know each other, he kissed me in front of a student art gallery painting of star wars. SO cheesy. but it worked.

we kept our relationship to ourselves for a few more months.

was i embarrassed? of course not.
did i care about others’ opinions? nope.
but was a hesitant because of my past? YEP.

backstory:
i had been with my high school sweetheart for 10 years, 4 of them married. a lot tore us apart. so many variables.
finances.
his family.
the church.
rumors he didn’t have my back on.
(side note though – whoever said you don’t marry the family when you marry the man is a liar & can eat horse shit. & yes that was advice i received at one point.)
it was a dark place in my life.
my identity wasn’t mine when i was with him.
i wasn’t loved for “me” because i never became “me” because i never thought it would be approved of. (disgusting, i know).
we divorced in april 2015… the same month, only days apart… when my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

i had a lot of life crap to deal with before i could let another man come into my life. ESPECIALLY because a man thought he COULD take advantage of my vulnerability after all & spill his guts to me, say the “L” word, & attempt to plan a future even though he was fucking engaged unbeknownst to me (INSAAAAANE).

i met jonathan april 2016. exactly a year later.

craziness.

i also learned that he had gone through some relationship challenges.
y’know… like… moving across the country for his gf, asking her parents for their blessing to ask her to marry him & them basically telling him he wasn’t good enough. him asking her anyway, with her responding “yes” until she changed her mind. smh.

but thank goodness all that shit happened, huh?

it’s like the cheesy rascal flatts song: “god bless the broken road that lead me straight to you“.
(yes, i’m a country music fan)

ps- i’ll save the engagement story & all the inbetweens for another time…

& you’d think that after you meet your person, all the hard stuff stops. like, life just gets easy.

well… it does for a bit. y’know, while you’re in the “honeymoon stage”.

but within 2 years of marriage, we went through…
my dad still fighting complications from his tumor removal,
my mom having a cancer scare herself,
my grandpa passing,
his childhood dog having to be put down,
job losses
career changes
forced home renovations
my family dog being attacked
best friends no longer being best friends
the passing of his aunt
the passing of his grandpa
the passing of his grandma
the loss of our son

…then you add in this pandemic we’re STILL in…

i mean, i just had a PTSD moment just last week at the doctors office. because of our experience last year, i just am always looking for things to be wrong with me. just getting blood work done & ultrasounds, i’m ready for bad news, always.

& i think now i can refer to kelly clarksons lyrics: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…”

life right now is hard too.
it’s election year.
our country – no, our WORLD – is in a civil battle for racism.
jobs have been lost due to this covid-19. but not just jobs… futures. lives.

some days are easier than others.
hope is hard to find.

(bear with me & this florida girl metaphor…)
our relationships are like the eye of a hurricane.
the storm happens all around us. & it truly feels like it just keeps circling.
but we’re strong.
we’re the center focus.
we’re the ones that will glide along but our calm & strength will maintain… even when the wind, thunder, lighting, tornadoes, rain, & hail lose it’s strength.
we’re the feel of “normal” until the next part of the storm hits.
& regardless of the damage, we move forward.
we stand.
we show up as an example of the peace you can have during a storm.
people may think its eerie or weird… but it’s really hope & trust.

a friend of mine reminded me of this quote yesterday:
“one day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.”

this is LITERALLY the only reason i’ve started this blog.
it’s why transparency is so important to me.
i want to be an open book.
to share struggle… hurt… heartache…
to share hope… remind you that things are temporary… & you’re not alone.

remember – it’s ok to not be ok.
it’s ok to ask for help.
it’s ok to ask for “me time”.
it’s ok to not justify why you need what you do.

give yourself some grace.
it’s how relationships work & survive… not just with others…
but with yourself.

forgive yourself of your past.
forgive others for their past.
love yourself because of who you are & have become.
love others because of who they are & have become.
accept yourself in this moment.
accept others in this moment.
& together… or separately… move forward.

but always…
love.

i hope you enjoyed our little love story.
feel free to share yours with me, i’d love to hear it!
i hope you also see our realness & know you’re not alone in this life struggle – regardless if you have a significant other or not.
& as always, i hope you “take out” whatever you’d like from this weeks’ post. even if it’s just the 15-20 min you had to yourself while reading this. 🙂

amateur.

i’m a floridian.
born & raised in the sunshine state.
& i got sunburned by satan himself.
look for yourself.

(pardon the nakedness. we’re all friends here now. i mean, i talk about my periods. calm down.)

like i mentioned last week, we went on a little beach anniversary vacation!
it was amazing & the bed & breakfast we stayed at was just incredible.
but the moral of this story is…
i got so burnt we had to cancel paddle boarding & snorkel expeditions because i couldn’t bear the thought of wearing a life vest.
bed sheets hurt to put over my body, but i was constantly cold so i had to cover up with them.
aloe hurt to rub on where i needed to (which was… literally all over besides where the sun don’t shine).

(check out that sunburn line, ya’ll. but also, that sweet visor.)

& you may be asking: “takara – why the hell are you so burnt? you’re looking like an amateur floridian.”

welp. i tried a new sunscreen.

after a random conversation backstage with some coworkers about how much shit is in sunscreens, i’ve been purging toxic everything from our home (another post, i’m sure).

there are so many chemicals that we, yes, need to avoid about putting INTO our bodies, but do you realize how many chemicals we put ONTO our bodies?
MIND BLOWING.

i mean, we’re told that to prevent skin cancer, we need to wear sunscreen. while this is absolutely true, what we aren’t told is that some of the sunscreens we’re using to “protect us” may be doing more harm than help.

what i’ve read everywhere is that there is a big difference between a mineral barrier & a chemical barrier.

mineral barriers are like zinc oxide or titanium dioxide. the more zinc, the better. (there are actual zinc face sticks out there!)

chemical barriers are like oxybenzone, avobenzone, octisalate, octocrylene, homosalate and/or octinoxate. (& yes, some of those i cannot pronounce.)

everything we put ON our bodies can potentially enter our bloodstream!

WHAT.

CHECK THIS OUT:
“the 2018 report released by the EWG revealed that many of the chemicals used in conventional sunscreens are endocrine disruptors, estrogenic and may interfere with thyroid and other hormone processes in the body.”

YA’LL. SUNSCREEN AFFECTS OUR HORMONES?!?!?! WTF.

this article also goes on to say that 40% of these popular sunscreens are also another leading cause to…

guess…

skin cancer.

in another article, i read this:
“In 2019 and 2020, FDA published two studies showing that the ingredients oxybenzone, octinoxate, octisalate, octocrylene, homosalate and avobenzone are all systemically absorbed into the body after a single use (Matta 2019, Matta 2020). The FDA also found that the sunscreen ingredients could be detected on the skin and in blood weeks after application ended (Matta 2020).“

this is just scary shit.

i wish things were easier to research, but there is so much controversy out there about what’s safe & what isn’t.
what’s a hoax & what is plain fact.
all we can do is research & use our “amateur” knowledge to make the best decision.

i downloaded a new app called “Think Dirty“. it helps you find compare products, from makeup to cleaning supplies, by using a rating system of 0-10 (0 being the most non-toxic).

& like i said above, i got a new sunscreen.
with a 0 rating, i bought Caribbean Sol, SPF 30.

well. it didn’t work too well.
note to self: read the toxin ratings AND the customer ratings/reviews.

i can’t remember when i had a burn this bad! it was terrible.
it HURT.

after posting this self fail of mine on my instagram story, i received so much feedback from ya’ll that i got pumped to talk more about it.

& to sum everything up, here are my top 5 sunscreens (with actual “it-works-you-wont-turn-into-a-lobster!” reviews). but first, i’m going to show you the ratings of some of the normal go-to sunscreens i have used in the past – & please – don’t shoot the messenger! 🙂

BAD
1.) Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch Sunblock SPF 50+ (rated 9)
2.) Banana Boat Sport Cool Zone Spray SPF 30 (rated 8)
3.) Banana Boat Ultra Mist Spray Sunscreen Oil SPF 8 (rated 8)
4.) Coppertone Sport Spray Sunscreen SPF 50 (rated 8)
5.) Hawaiian Tropic Sheer Touch Spray SPF 30 (rated 9)

GOOD
1.) Supergoop! 100% Mineral Sunscreen Stick SPF 45 (rated 3)
2.) Alba Botanica Facial Mineral Sunscreen SPF 30 (rated 2)
3.) Coola Sport SPF 35 Citrus Mimosa (rated 2)
4.) SunBum Mineral Suncreen Lotion SPF 50 (rating unfound)
5.) Tropic Great Barrier Sun Lotion SPF 50 (rated 0)

i hope you ya’ll don’t hate me for this uproar of sunscreen. i share because i care! 🙂

of course what we eat & drink has a direct relation to what our body creates & does for us in return. but what i’ve learned so far in this hormone endeavor is that what we put ON our bodies can have just as much of a direct impact too.
(it’s crazy what i’m finding about makeup as well – i’ve basically been using poison on my face for 10+ years & haven’t even realized it!)

so i stress here now:
– read the ingredients to your products as much as you may read the nutrients & ingredients in your food.
– watch what kind of sunscreen you put on yourself & your kiddos.

but of course – take out whatever you want from this little ol’ post.

because food

my husband & i took a little beach get away to a local b&b for an early anniversary trip this past week. i was SO impressed with their chef, their recipes & their attention to detail for my dietary restrictions that i just want to talk about foooooooooood.
i mean, look at this…

(everything you see on the left plate is completely dairy, gluten & soy free. & yes that is apple cinnamon french toast, WHAT.)

but really – i don’t even know where to start with this one because… well… food.
because it runs our life. at least it’s run mine.
i mean, please don’t tell me i’m the only one who eats breakfast & brainstorms what i want for lunch & then for dinner.

like i’ve said in my first post, i’ve aways considered myself a “healthy eater”. with my career, i’ve had to be. plus, my parents brought my sister & i up completely aware of what was “junk” vs “good food”. but up until 2 years ago, my definition of a “healthy eater” wasn’t what i’ve come to learn about now.

i was counting calories.
i was counting carbs.
i was buying low fat everything.
i was avoiding dairy because of the fat.
i didn’t drink soda.
i didn’t drink juice.
i never ate sweets.

& some of those things, i still don’t consume, but not because i think they’ll add weight, but because i know what’s in them.. & most of that shit is basically poison & blasphemy (we can get into gritty details about nutrient labels & ingredients later).

when i learned about my PCOS, i had to LEARN about it.
& maybe that’s why you’re here… because it’s hella overwhelming.
i researched the “why’s, how’s, & what’s”.
one of the first books i purchased was “Healing PCOS: A 21-Day Plan“.
& with just skimming it, one of the first things i was coming to realize was that:
I COULD HAVE CONTROL.
(HA! if you know me, you know that i LOVE control. so that aspect was encouraging.)

but aside from just having control, researching HOW i could control my PCOS & this new found enemy of mine also gave me a peace that maybe – just maybe – i could conquer it.

the secret?
FOOD.

WHAT?!
you mean…
i could stop growing hair where i didn’t want my body to grow it?
i could stop gaining weight overnight?
i could start getting my periods on a regular?
my face could stop forming acne as if i was going through puberty?
i could stop losing clumps of hair while brushing it or just washing it in the shower?

seriously? food controls this?

YUP.
mind. BLOWN.

all i knew food to do was to either make me gain or lose weight. i never thought of it as a “control-every-aspect-of-your body-especially-hormones” way.

avoid:
*dairy
*gluten
*soy
*processed sugar

why? HORMONES.

after reading the sacrifices, i was skeptical, but what did i have to lose?
i was already told that i had a 10% chance of conceiving a natural way.
so cheers to “control”.

i cut all of those items above out of my diet.
completely. immediately. cold turkey. & right before the holidays (HELP).
there was no other way to do it, & damnit i was motivated!
the only thing i “cheated” on was alcohol every now & then (& while alcohol has a shitton of sugar in it, much of it also has gluten – which i was SO SAD ABOUT).

cause & effect?
*in 2 months, i got my period back
*in 4 months, i dropped 28 lbs
*in 8 months, i got pregnant!

BOOM.
CONTROL.

i had proof that all this worked & even though our baby’s story didn’t end up the way we had hoped, we HAVE hope that all this is STILL working.

i continue to avoid all the things, but i’ve found a happy medium in balance. do i “cheat” more often?
yes.
have i gained weight back?
yes.
but guess what?
it wasn’t about that in the first place.

if it’s someone’s birthday, i’m eating a piece of cake.
if we go out to eat & “today’s special” is lobster & i can’t sub out the mashed potatoes, i’m eating the fucking mashed potatoes.
if my mom makes the best french onion dip in all the land, w/ loads of sour cream, well… i’m eating it.

BUT with all that said, there are TONS of ways to substitute more than just the mashed potatoes at a restaurant.

here are some tips i found very helpful that also matched up with other research. i found this photo on pinterest. after finding the root site to the post itself, i found the author pretty legit! i have to admit tho, i never signed up for her challenge, however, i did print this list out & keep it in my planner for when i shopped!

(you’ll be surprised how much soy, safflower/sunflower oil, & milk are in “everyday” items. it’s kinda insane.)

i’ve also added many recipes to my own pinterest that i’ve been intrigued to make! you can find them all here in this board. (don’t judge the rest of them, haha).

but all in all, while the research is overwhelming, it’s rewarding.

do you feel like an asshole at a restaurant asking “is there gluten &/or soy in this marinade?”
sometimes.
but what’s really awesome about 2020 (i know there’s not much), is that many places out there have gluten free options, their chefs know there are more allergies than ever in our world now, & truth be told – your waiter may actually have the same restrictions (literally happened to me) that you do! PLUS, the more YOU know the more you’ll assume that yes, there probably IS gluten or soy in the marinade & ya just ask for it plain or to have them season it w/ sea salt & pepper.

it’s not as boring as you think it is. promise.

is it hard to switch to a new way of living & eating?
yes.
but it’s worth it.

also, once you educate yourself about what is actually IN food, you’ll get the motivation to keep it up. + you’ll honestly feel better. tons better.

shut up takara, & give me more pictures of food!! 🙂
(mind you – i was on vacaaaation so the sweets are a bit out of control)

breakfast day 1. to the right is my plate:
gluten & dairy free almond crusted french toast
fruit
baconnnnnnn
sweet potatoes (instead of creamy potatoes)
berry gluten free toast
freshly squeezed grapefruit

happy hour, poolside, day 1:
gluten free baquette w/ bruschetta
soy & gluten free hummus w/ gluten free chips & veggies to dip
(the pasta salad was not gluten or dairy free so that was more for the hubs)

breakfast day 2:
gluten free toast w/ sauteed spinach & onions (in olive oil)
potatoes
gluten & dairy free french toast (obviously i couldn’t get enough)
sausage links

happy hour, poolside, day 3:
soy free sushi
veggies & gluten free hummus
pasta salad (again for the hubs)

i can’t express how amazing our stay was & how refreshing it was to be somewhere where they respected my dietary needs. they were so attentive & i never once had to repeat or explain myself. i am in no way getting any type of compensation for bragging about this place. i just tend to brag about anything i like, period. 🙂
head over to their site to check them out!

(it was just awesome)

we’ll def talk more about recipes & food & all the yumminess again.
but until then, i’m open to chit chat specifically w/ you if you’d like!

whatever you need to eat clean, conquer new health challenges, or find alternatives for food items… i hope you got something out of this. “take out” whatever you’d like… even if it’s a google search on how to make dairy & gluten free french toast. 😉

last years freedom

i hope everyone had a great 4th of july weekend! i know it may be a bit difficult to feel celebratory in our country right now. if anything, we’re all a little timid to get excited about anything, right? the news is all covid-19, trump on twitter, another celebrity with money trying to run for president or how the rest of the world has banned americans from visiting their countries because they basically believe we’re toxic. SO AWESOME.

that was heavy. but so is life.
mine has been. & i’m sure you can relate in some way, shape, or form. but as cliché as it sounds, the shit we’ve been through & continue to go through help mold us into who we are today.

so to wrap up the realist in me, i hope you found something worth celebrating this past weekend, to say the least! 🙂

story time:
last year on july 4th, it was much different & much was to be celebrated! i mean- i peed on a stick & got a “positive”! what?! 2, as a matter of fact! talk about freeeeeedommmmm.

ok, well it feels like “freedom” when you WANT it to be positive. haha. (can i get an “amen”, ladies?)

i immediately thought:
how am i going to tell jonathan?
it has to be cute. memorable.
maybe incorporate theodore! so like i showed you in my last post, that’s what i did!

i had a gig that night w/ the band & jonny stayed home w/ the pup since we didn’t know how he was going to handle fireworks on his first 4th of july. (little pipsqueek ended up not caring about them at all!)

how was i going to keep this a secret from everyone?!
how was i going to tell the band that i couldn’t enjoy a “festive beer” at the festival we were playing at?

“i have to drive home.”
“i’m on antibiotics.”
“my stomach hurts.”
“we drank too much last night & i can’t stomach anything other than water.”

technically, those are all kinda believable?
(ladies- what have your excuses been when you’re trying to keep it a secret?)

i honestly don’t even remember what i said. but i sure do remember having a burger.

i also remember wearing a crop top tank & jean shorts while thinking… “oh my shorts barely go over my ass already… that’s a good sign.” smh.

we did our show, it was hot & i was noticing my breath support was just… different.
what was happening to my body?
how far along was i, actually?
have i been doing anything lately that would hurt the baby?
was i eating right?
was i drinking enough water?
had i tried anything new at the gym that would be bad for the baby?

the more i thought about my reality, the more i start worrying.

luckily i had my first OB appt on the 6th.
ultrasound, check!
heartbeat, check!
asked ALL the questions i had, check!

but i still was uneasy.
i needed to tell my mom.
but because we had been on this journey for nearly a year, i wanted that news to our parents to be a special announcement – something creative – not just a phone call or a passing piece of information.

we also wanted to revel in it ourselves, just the 2 of us. we had our 1 year anniversary cruise planned only a few days away & decided to wait to tell family until after we got back.

on board, of course i was freaking out as to what fish i was allowed to eat & if i could have any fancy latte’s. i also remember reading about not being allowed to soak in a jacuzzi, so i avoided those too.
was i bummed about not being able to drink my weight in mojito’s or get an extra rum floater in my pina colada? yep. but i sure did make those bartenders make me feel fancy with mocktails galore.

the cruise was amazzzzziiiiing.
such a great way to disconnect (especially when putting your phone on “airplane mode” – talk about freedommmmm).

PLUS we had planned to take our pregnancy announcement photos while on one of the islands!
i even got a hat!
we were so lucky to have our best friends kathryn & thom performing on the ship AND have them act as photographers for us!

we never shared these photos. we wanted to wait til we were 15 weeks, but as you know, we didn’t make it to then. i was only about 7 here.
but… with sharing… comes healing. so here is one of them.

the moment was special. especially because it started raining about 5 minutes into our shoot & THAT… was just hilarious.

the cruise was perfect. we got to take our 1st anniversary trip before our honeymoon. ha!

telling the parental units:
once we got home, we scheduled a facetime with jonny’s parents! they live out of state so it was as “in person” as we could get. because the baby was due on his mom’s birthday, we got a birthday card for her to announce that she was going to have a birthday buddy!

(their reaction was priceless. we eventually saw papa speags’ entire face. haha)

it was hilarious & perfect.
they screamed, laughed, & asked all the questions.
it was SO fun to watch & experience with them!

now, my parents only live about 45 min away from us, so we had scheduled to take them out for dinner! we told them we wanted to see them & talk about the cruise.

we printed out letters for each of them to open that read:

dear _______,
grandma/grandpa, nana/bapa, mimi/pops?
decide what you want me to call you by feb 24, 2020!

mom immediately bawled.
daddy was speechless.
we all cried.
i was the same age my mom was when she got pregnant with me.
i felt like it was a sign.
it was just so special.

(our waitress gifted us a bottle of champagne & yes i’m drinking sparkling grape juice – calm your tits.)

& then mom goes:
“i thought it was weird you didn’t order a drink…”
what does that say about me?

we told our siblings next & that was equally fun.
the whole, immediate family was just so excited.
we were all so excited for weeks.
we took weekly photos.
i downloaded an app to keep track of all of the things.
it was SO fun.

i felt a freedom.
i felt like i put in the hard work, the labor of love.
the sacrifices i made for my comfort for the better of my body, WORKED.
i was a walking testimony of sciiiiiiience.
i was just so impressed all the time.
i felt like my hormones didn’t define me anymore.
in just 9 short months, my entire diet changed & in my natural expectation, 9 months from then, my entire life was going to.

while THAT chapter closed sooner than we hoped, the freedom i felt stayed put. while we can’t control chromosome disorders, the control i DID have, was empowering. & the fact that i COULD get pregnant was a miracle… a miracle i (with a lot of help) was able to make happen! & we pray i can again.

it will happen.
& he/she will be perfectly healthy.
we have faith in that.

but in the meantime, i want to help you find that freedom (if you want). whether it’s by food, letting go of guilt or self shame, finding balance… whatever it may be.

all i can do is share what i know & you can take out whatever you want from it.