sparking joy

i’m sure many of you have heard of marie kondo.
the japanese organizing consultant, author & tv host that is best known for sharing her concept of living a life that sparks joy.

this week, after some negativity, haters & spamming them (you may have seen my instagram stories… if not, i highlighted it)…
i decided to do whatever sparked joy.

especially after reading all the positive comments ya’ll had to share w/ me about this blog.
this blog sparks joy for me.
so regardless of how ppl feel about it…
imma write it.
just as much as i have the free will to write it do others have the free will not to read it.
that’s all.

in other words…
this week i was doing what i want (obviously w/ limits).

as i’ve watched our daughter evolve, i’ve noticed the little things.
the little things that widen her eyes… make her smile… pull her focus.

i’ve wanted to sit back & just let myself find joy in the little things.

so that’s what i did!

there have been so many “milestones” right before our eyes that if i didn’t “stop to smell the roses” i’d completely miss them.

she’s:

• started focusing on the animals dangling on her play mat
• loved looking at herself in the mirror
• outgrown many of her newborn pj’s & onesies (so anxious to see what she measures at during our next doc appt)
• has been able to focus on facetime calls w/ family members as they speak to her
• has recognized mommy & daddy’s voices to the point of smiling! (cue tears)
• loved listening to her papoo play piano & it’s actually calmed her down mid-fuss
• gotten better at tummy time & is now scooting herself forward
• put herself to sleep for her naps almost the entire week
• been in her crib for her naps
• has slept through the entire night (i’m talking 8 & 9 hrs 2 nights in a row!!!) PRAISE “taking cara babies”

these are precious & such a big deal to us! they bring us joy & they bring HER joy w/o her even realizing.

so w/ that said…

i asked myself:
“what can i afford to do or not do that would bring me joy?”

when i say “afford”, i don’t only mean money.
i also mean time, efforts, talent, etc.

i share these pictures below of my week of joys. 🙂

(i wanted fancy coffee for my afternoon pick-me-up but didn’t want to get dressed or leave the house to go get any… remembered i had instant coffee, sugar & milk to make what was just soooo popular during lock down last year: dalgona coffee!
joy = not getting dressed & saving coffee & gas money.)

(theo was restless & barking one morning & our little girl needed “awake” time.
joy = walks around the neighborhood while it was overcast & not super hot!)

(afternoon spending time w/ my dad while my mom was out of town.
joy = baby snuggles w/ papoo while his son-in-law watches “the muppets” w/ him)

(cute vision & hang spot at my lash gals place.
joy = lashes redone at a discount & “me time”)

(getting boba after getting said lashes done.
joy = unexpectedly running into friends i haven’t seen in so long at the market!)

(transparency: hubs & i had a falling out in communication & plans for saturday. he had showings at the same time i had a gig. lesson learned.
joy = getting to bring little chickpea to my gig & having my bandmates gals take care of her while i got to watch her from stage. it was exhausting to feed & change her in between sets but so fun.)

(decided to feed her on the couch instead of her nursery after her nap while the my chicken stock simmered.
joy = theo snuggles, eyes that melt & little bunny outfits)

(i forgot about this fabletics 2 piece i ordered a prebaby.
joy: it fits & made me proud of the work i’ve already put into my health & stamina regain.)

(she slept 9 hours!!
joy = she slept 9 hours!! AND we were super awake & happy to be active w/ her new music play mat)

(hanging w/ my dad again!
joy = those pups so interested in the sounds both of them are making. haha)

(cherry tomatoes.
joy = they came from our (jonny’s) garden!)

(after bathtime, pj time.
joy = pj’s have cute little ruffle shoulders & koala feet!)

(visits from vaccinated friends who also bring lox & bagels AND champagne.
joy = hugging them & having them meet (& feed) lurayna)

(accidentally fell asleep together.
joy = snuggles, listening to her coo & jonny snapping this photo while her arms look like she’s about to do the cha cha)

(watching & listening to my dad play the piano for lulu.
joy = creating memories & snapping pictures/videos to show her someday.)

other joys that are included in my week but not pictured:

• mom getting home safe & sound
• applying for temporary work at my place of work which means entertainment & events are on the up & up!
• seeing friends be successful & creative
• catching up w/ friends about their lives these days
• seeing my husband have a great & busy real estate week
• getting answers for my dads diagnoses & potentially seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
• so many friends getting their vaccines
• entertainment mom communities

my joys may not be the same as yours, but i hope you take out something from this…
enough to find yours in case you haven’t.
slow down.
smell the roses.
listen to your gut.
do things that just make ya happy… that spark joy. 🙂

the (real) nasty stuff

had my 6 week postpartum appt…
y’know the one where they clear you to have sex again.
also to be able to swim, get in a jacuzzi, & workout.

i’m clear!
hooray!

i’m glad my vagina is doing well…
those internal stitches were no joke those first 2 weeks.

however…
when do the hemorrhoids go away?
apparently, never.
(so i’ve been told).

AWESOME.

here’s tmi to some…

but those first couple bathroom breaks…
i thought i was literally giving birth again.

i had friends warn me of this when i asked a group of mom’s to share their weird expectations/experiences in this post.

i took a poll a few weeks ago about what a handful of my readers wanted to hear about & a lot voted for “shit & vagina’s”.
haha… i love this.
i feel like these are my people.

but really…
after birth…
it’s a different sensation in both of those regions.

usually if you’ve been constipated for a bit, that bathroom break can kinda hurt.
now multiply that by like 100.
& only pebbles come out.
& blood.

cool, huh?

speaking of cool…
tucks or frida mom’s cooling pads were the jam.
super helpful but still doesn’t take the pain.

that frida mom peri bottle is amazing though.
it’s like a personal bidet!
i’ll never be the same.
i’m kinda upset i had never known about this until now…
like… it could be useful to everyone.
it’s like your entire ass & vagina get a shower after every bathroom break.
i’ve never felt so clean.

am i grossing you out yet?

the title to this should have warned you.
sorry not sorry.
here to be transparent.

the skin thing is real too.
the random blemishes…
not breakouts…
but just random discoloration is real & weird.
i’ve also never had dry skin but, here we are.

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i haven’t been losing hair like i thought i would have.
SO thankful for that.
i don’t have enough to lose.

also…
everyone was like:
“oh you’re breastfeeding? just wait… the weight will just FALL OFF”.
ummmm i’m waitiiiiiing.

jk…
i’ve been at the gym about 1-2x a week for 3 weeks now.
however…
it doesn’t help that i’m eating & drinking all the things.
i literally just ate a tollhouse choc chip cookie as i type this…
but i’m about to get strict again.
these hormones needed some grace.
& so did my regime.
(but this proves that you’re health is at least 70% of your diet! i’d prob look diff now if i had been strict right after i popped her out)

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(5 weeks pp: don’t mind the messy room)

after about 3 weeks, my vagina felt pretty normal.

but real talk:
i don’t know if i was more excited to attempt sex or to be able to swim in a pool again. haha

i took baby girl down to see my girlfriends in palm beach over the weekend & all i wanted to do was have a pool day.
it happened & i couldn’t have felt more “back to normal”!

i’m a water girl.
i was a water baby.
hoping lulu is too!
can’t wait to put her in swimming lessons…
but also, can.
bc time is already running away from us.

speaking of water & time running away…
we gave her a bath the other night which made me look at the photos of her 1st bath.

(she already looks so different!! it’s INSANE.)

but damnit she’s so fucking cute.
keep growing, little chickadee!

y’know what else is cute?
(yeah… so we’re not just talking about shit & vagina’s)

her SMILE.

she started smiling at us!
she’s recognizing faces & voices!
we’ve heard her giggle in her sleep, but that’s it on that front.
but her smile is everything.
EVERYTHING.

when we wake her up from naps, smile.
when we say her name close to her face, smile.
when she poops, smile.
when she’s milk drunk, smile!

i mean c’mon.
don’t you just melt?!

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i say all this nasty crap to tell you that it’s all worth it.
maybe you knew that bc you’re a mom too…
or maybe you needed to hear that all WILL be worth it bc you’re a soon-to-be mom…
or maybe you’re reading this bc you’re just curious & along for the ride regardless of its relevance to you.

either way…
thanks for being here.

i hope you can take out some knowledge from my experience.
or just some smiles from my smiling kiddo.

growing up as a grown up

remember when you graduated high school & everyone was like…
“what are you gonna do?”
“where you are going to go to college?”
“what are you going to major in?”

& then you graduated college & everyone was like…
“where are you going to work?”
“where do you want to live?”
“what do you want to do with your life?”

& then you get married & everyone asks…
“when are you going to have children?”
“how many kids do you want?”

& and THEN you have said children & everyone asks…
“when are you going back to work?”
“how many children do you want?”

i don’t say all of these things to complain about the questions…
i say all of these things to reiterate that we have constant reminders to check ourselves.
what ARE the answers to those questions?
most of the time they were being asked, my answer would be “i have no idea”.

but now…
what happens if you change your mind in the middle of any of those questions?

what if you decide your degree & take classes all 3 years of college & then change your mind?
do you really want to stay in school another x-amount of years when you’re only 1 year away from graduating?

what if you have an internship before you graduate college & it can turn into a job after you graduate but you don’t necessarily want it?

what if you get married & you want to wait to have kids bc you want to focus on your marriage & your career but you’re “not getting any younger”?

what if you have kids & then all of a sudden the career you thought you wanted completely changes?

i mean that’s part of growing up…
changing your direction… your mind…
all of it can be changed & it’s our freedom to do so…
but gosh it’s so overwhelming when it does.
you have this expectation for yourself… this picture…
& then for whatever reason, it changes.

thinking that you have it all figured out & then realizing that you may be changing your mind is KINDA stressful.
you lay out your life in a certain way bc of how you predicted it to be based on your experiences & your expertise FROM those experiences…
& then all of a sudden…
you may wake up & realize that you want to do something else?

this topic this week was inspired by:
* so many friends of mine who are reevaluating their directions whether it’s graduating w/ a masters degree, rebranding their business, reassessing where & who they put their energy into, or creating something new entirely!
this pandemic this past year had many friends of ours have to look for other jobs… other passions.
* & then… real talk…
i had an anxiety attack about money.

now i’m not saying we should find our passions based on how much money they can make us…
that’s not how that works at all.
we all know money doesn’t buy happiness…
but we also know that we need money to survive as adults & prepare for our future.

while i’m contemplating all of this…
i understand this may not be the best time to do so.
w/ the hit of a global pandemic & many of it’s disadvantages still in effect…
the economic climate & demand for my career isn’t really existing.
while i’m very grateful i was able to keep my day job, about 65% of my income was lost.
many of my entertainment & contracted jobs were put to a halt…
many of yours were too.
but it’s created this “reset button” that we would not have had.
it’s made me sit back & think…
“what do i really… actually… want to do?“
& the answer is still…
“i have no idea”. haha

i toy w/ the idea of trying to find something where i can travel while staying in the entertainment world.
i toy w/ the idea of somehow working from home & being part of a production prep somewhere.
i toy w/ the idea of going back into marketing (that was my major… w/ a hospitality minor).
i toy w/ the idea of getting back into real estate bc it’s going so well for my husband (& how cool would it be if we had some type of duo situation?)
i toy w/ seeking out how i could find a way to make money as a blogger… i really like doing this… but what would be niche? isn’t the blog world already so saturated? i wouldn’t even know how to go about that?

(artwork: oh so graceful)

if you know me…
what do you think the perfect job for me would be?
would i have 1 job? or continue to hustle w/ multiples?
maybe an outsiders perspective could be helpful!

so realistically…
my issue is that there are so many options!
& honestly that’s not an issue… it’s not a problem… it’s amazing!
but what would be realistic?
which would i be passionate about?
which would help pay the bills, be a need or helpful to others, & be something i’d enjoy?

i LOVE what i do & where i do it.
singer/dancer, host/emcee, & band lead.
but i’m trying to be realistic.
& being at home w/ a baby resting on my chest, not able to pick up the phone & play solitaire or scroll fb/insta has me thinking a lot…
i know i can’t be a singer/dancer forever.
this almost 33 yr old body ain’t gunna look like this or move like this forever… haha
so i’m trying to think that long term thought process…
another question we get asked all the time…
“where can you see yourself in 5 years?”
(isn’t that an interviewers fav question?)

(artwork: @oh_sograceful)

have you ever rethought your direction?
have you ever uprooted life & gone a different way?
were you in your mid-30’s & changed course?
do you feel “grown up” yet?

as always, take out whatever you want from this.
maybe you found your calling or purpose when you graduated high school!
maybe you found your calling or purpose when you had kids & decided all you wanted to do was be a parent!
maybe you found your calling or purpose when met the love of your life & you’ll follow their lead!

whatever it is, i hope you’re happy.
& if you’re not happy yet, i hope you find a way to be happy while on your journey to finding that purpose & passion.
trust your gut.
you’ve got this!

ps- these are real questions! i’d love to hear your input. 🙂

boobs

boobs… they are so weird.
they are a sexual part of our bodies but also what feeds our children?
they are easily stimulated w/ touch but tough enough to also be bitten, grabbed, yanked, sucked, & pulled while we feed those said children.
like… that’s a weird combo.

i’m pretty sure my phone has been listening to me talk about breastfeeding bc my phone apps ar now only producing advertisements about breast feeding.
ps- have you seen the newest fridamom advertisement about breastfeeding?
it’s so real.
it may be triggering for some of you… so just forewarning.

also forewarning…
breastfeeding photos are below.
we had an amazing lifestyle session w/ my friend nikki, owner of wings of glory photography.
she took our wedding photos, a lifestyle session at the house when we got our pup & then our announcement photo you all have season when we shared the good news we were pregnant!
it only made sense she captured this next life chapter of us…
it was important to me to capture these sweet, intimate moments.

plus… let’s normalize this! it’s a beautiful thing women can keep a human alive solely on what their breasts produce. NO SHAME IN THAT.

anyway… like i mentioned in my first blog about our baby girl, she latched on right away.
i was super thankful that we didn’t have any issues with that.
within an hour of being born, she turned her head & found the nipple & started sucking.
she taught ME how to do this…
but we had a lot to learn.

my milk didn’t come in for about 3 1/2 days & my pediatrician warned me that if it didn’t, then we would need to switch to formula…

now i don’t have anything against formula AT ALL…
i just wanted to breastfeed only, if i could.
so i was praying my milk would come in…
& it did the day after that 1st doctor appointment!
i also was thankful my milk came in bc DAMN does it hurt those 1st couple of days when it’s just colostrum.
babies have to suck so hard to get just a little out.

i thought i was going to die.
i couldn’t remember what labor pains felt like compared to the pain i was feeling on my nipples.

now… i was perplexed as to how long i was supposed to breastfeed…
do i breastfeed as long as she takes it?
do i cut her off?
does she cut herself off when she falls asleep?
all of the above?… i was clueless.

but we have found a groove, i think.
& as much as i want to continue her structure, i have to remember that she’s only 3 1/2 weeks old!
not even a month!
but this type-a personality will try to be as flexible as possible while raising this kiddo but also lean more towards structure & patterns.

i am starting to realize which cries are which.
her hunger cries are definitely the most dramatic.
it’s more like a scream, lol.
so if she sounds like she’s in pain or dying, she’s just hungry.

now, the haakka… the manual pump that everyone told me to register for…
true LIFESAVER when it comes to stocking up on milk.

i’ve been pumping w/ my luna motif electric pump every now & then but getting most from the haakka.

pumps are weird too.

i immediately want to apologize to every cow i ever milked or helped pump milk out of while visiting the family farm up north…

& speaking of milk…

why does breast milk smell?! i wake up & immediately want to shower. good lord, i stink… like all the time.

anyway…

i go back to performing w/ my band tomorrow night & i believe i have about 50 oz already stocked up.
i’m not sure how much she’s ACTUALLY taking every feeding because every feeding is a different length depending on time of day, etc…
but i’m hoping we have enough to last through the weekend!
so with that said, pray for us… haha
she is cluster feeding like a pro & that witching hour between 6 – 10pm is when she eats as if she’s been deprived.
it’s actually hilarious buuuuut also stressful…

aaaaaand we are getting through it & we are so thankful for every single day.
she’s perfect & we couldn’t be more excited to see how this all progresses… w/ her & w/ the 2… well… 3 of us. 🙂

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i hope you take out some boob knowledge, if that’s what you wanted, or some “girls rule” tid bits. women’s bodies are incredible & i will never stop saying that.